What's going on?
Start with the situation that looks most like yours.
Each situation comes with a short reading and one or two resources to get started. It doesn't replace the full topic: it's a way in.
At home
A no that always turns into an argument is not only about rebellion. It's worth looking at how that no is said, and what happens after it's said.
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A broken agreement is not the end of the agreement. It's the moment to check whether it was clear, whether it was doable, and how to pick it back up without humiliating anyone.
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When everything escalates, the first thing is not being right: it's stopping the escalation. The rest gets talked about later, when things are calmer.
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Talking less with adults is to be expected at this age. What's worth looking at is whether they've shut down with everyone or only with you, and since when.
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A lie usually says more about fear of the reaction, a need for privacy or avoiding a no than about disrespect. The helpful question is what makes it hard to tell the truth.
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Teens quickly spot where the disagreement lies. You don't have to think alike: what matters is not undermining each other in front of them.
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That feeling often shows up when you've been holding things together for a long time without support. Before trying to change anything about your teen, it's worth looking at how you are doing.
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Changes in the family
What protects your teen most is not a separation that doesn't hurt. It's not being caught in the middle between the adults.
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Switching homes is the most sensitive moment of the week. That bad mood is usually the cost of the transition, not something against you.
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Accepting a new person takes time, and sometimes it touches on loyalty to the other parent. You can't ask for affection. You can ask for respect. And it's worth asking your teen how they feel around that person.
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The reasons can be very different, from a one-time argument to something serious. Before forcing it or looking for someone to blame, you need to listen.
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There is no right way to go through a loss. What helps is for the pain to have room and company, without rushing.
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With screens
Screen time on its own says little. What matters is what they do there, what they stop doing, and how they are afterward.
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When screens are costing them sleep, they are already affecting other parts of their life. That's a good reason to revisit your agreements.
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If what you saw points to a risk (an adult messaging them, threats, hurting themselves), that comes first. If you looked without their knowing, say so up front, so the conversation doesn't end up being about that.
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Someone who asks for secrecy, flatters a lot or asks for photos is a sign to act: save the messages, cut off contact and get help. And make sure telling you doesn't come with a punishment.
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The first thing they need to hear is that it's not their fault. Don't pay or give in, save the messages and get help. And stay close: the shame can be very intense.
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With other people
Having few friends is not the same as having no one. It's worth looking at whether this is a change, and whether it comes with sadness.
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What looks like a teenage thing to an adult can be, for your teen, something that hurts every single day. The school needs to know.
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Criticizing your teen's friends tends to push your teen closer to them. It helps more to get to know them, and to talk about how your teen feels in that group.
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For your teen this is no small thing: it's where they are learning what it means to care for someone. Taking it seriously is the best way to stay close.
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Violence in a teen relationship almost never starts with hitting: it starts with jealousy and control. Take care of your connection with your teen: it's what lets you protect them. If there has been hitting or threats, get help without waiting for your teen to agree.
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You don't need one big talk, and you don't need to know everything. What helps is many short conversations, and your teen knowing they can ask you.
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Believe them, tell them it's not their fault and that they did the right thing by telling you. Don't question them for details or promise to keep it a secret: get specialized help.
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The fact that they told you speaks of trust. They don't need you to understand everything today: they need to know their place in the family is not at stake.
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At school
A drop in how they're doing at school is usually a sign of something else: their mood, their relationships, their sleep or something they're struggling with.
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When a teen doesn't want to go, it's almost never laziness. Something about what happens there, or about how it feels to go, has become hard.
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"I don't care" often protects against "I can't" or "I'm afraid I'll fail." Pushing harder usually shuts the conversation down.
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The school sees your teen in a place where you aren't. Going in to listen, rather than to defend or accuse, usually opens more doors.
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When something is always hard, it stops being a matter of willpower. Before looking for a name for it, it's worth looking at what is hard for them and in which situations.
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My teen doesn't seem okay
Staying in their room can be a need for privacy, which is to be expected, or it can be isolation. The difference lies in whether it's a change, and whether they're still in touch with other people and with the things they care about.
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In the teen years, sadness often looks like anger. If it lasts for weeks and changes their everyday life, it's worth talking to a professional.
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Distress doesn't settle with "it's not a big deal." First they need company. Explanations come later.
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Feeling uncomfortable in a changing body is to be expected. Ongoing contempt for it is not. Asking how they are helps more than commenting on how they look.
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When food becomes rigid or secret, it's almost never only about food. If they are eating very little, ask for a medical appointment this week, without waiting to be sure.
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If you don't know how they got them, ask without assuming. Hurting themselves on purpose is usually a way to quiet a pain that finds no other way out. It doesn't always mean they want to die, but it always calls for professional help.
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Take it seriously, even if they said it in passing or in a moment of anger. Asking directly does not put the idea in their head: it may be what lets them ask for help.
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I'm worried about substance use
First, their safety: stay close. If you can't wake them, they're having trouble breathing or they can't stop vomiting, call emergency services. The conversation is for the next day, without a lecture.
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What you found calls for a direct conversation. First, give yourself a moment: what you do in the first few minutes decides whether things open up or shut down.
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Trying something is not the same as having a problem. What's worth looking at is how often, with whom and what for.
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An agreement talked through beforehand helps more than fear. What protects most is your teen knowing they can call you if something goes wrong.
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I need help
Getting to that point doesn't mean you've failed. It's the sign that it's time to bring someone in.
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You don't need to know what's wrong or who to turn to. A pediatrician or a family doctor can be a good first step.
That's the most common reaction. You can suggest it as a trial and, if they still don't want to, go yourself.
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Can't find what you're going through? See the topics, or start with When and how to get help.