When talking hurts: how to stop the escalation
Some conversations no longer bring you closer: they hurt. Stopping them in time isn't abandonment, it's care.
2 min read
There comes a point where the difficulty is no longer talking too little or arguing too much. Talking itself has become a source of harm. At that point, seeing it through to the end makes things worse, and pushing when the other person is already overwhelmed shuts things down even more.
Myths and facts
Myth
"You have to talk everything through to the end."
Fact
Continuing in the middle of an escalation can make things much worse.
Myth
"Stopping a conversation is abandonment."
Fact
Stopping a conversation that hurts can be a form of care.
Myth
"If I go quiet, I lose authority."
Fact
Stopping a harmful conversation isn't losing authority.
Myth
"As long as we're still talking to each other, we can handle it."
Fact
The fact that you're still talking to each other doesn't mean what's happening is manageable.
How to say it
Instead of
"You're not going anywhere until you talk."
Try
"We're not going to be able to talk like this. Let's stop here and come back to it another way."
Instead of
"I don't care if it bothers you, you're going to listen to me."
Try
"This is important, but we're not going to keep going like this."
Instead of
"If you don't talk now, forget it."
Try
"I can't force this conversation. We need another time to come back to it."
Instead of
"Stop pushing me."
Try
"I feel like this conversation is already crossing a line."
Try this: the pause
- 1Decide on a short phrase to stop the conversation before more harm is done.
- 2Use it whenever the conversation becomes humiliating, aggressive or pointless.
- 3Don't go after them, and don't continue the argument by text.
- 4Come back to it only when things are calm enough.
Try this: just one conversation you can actually have
- 1Pick a single, essential subject.
- 2Find a very brief, low-intensity moment.
- 3Talk only about that one point, without mixing in grievances that have piled up.
- 4End it as soon as listening to each other is no longer possible.
Try this on your own: my tipping point
- 1Think of a recent, very intense argument.
- 2Identify the moment you stopped listening and started just reacting.
- 3Name which emotion was in charge: anger, fear, helplessness or desperation.
- 4Decide on a concrete signal to stop sooner next time.
A question to take with you
What is it that you can't leave unsaid, even when you know it won't be heard in that moment?