What a separation asks of a teen
What your teen goes through when the adults separate, and what they need to get through it without being caught in the middle.
2 min read
For the adults, a separation is the end of a relationship. For a child it's something else: the home changes, the schedules change, and the two adults they depend on are no longer together. They aren't separating from anyone, but they have to rearrange everything.
In the teen years, this comes at a particular moment. Your teen was starting to pull away from the family, and suddenly the family is asking for their attention. Some move closer than would be expected and become caregivers. Others pull away, spend more time out of the house or act as if nothing were happening. Both are ways of coping.
What they may feel, sometimes all at once
- Sadness over what is ending, even if there was fighting at home.
- Relief, and then guilt for feeling relieved.
- Anger at one of the adults, at both or at the situation.
- Fear about practical things: where they'll live, whether they'll change schools, whether there will be enough money.
- Divided loyalties: feeling that loving one means letting the other down.
- Embarrassment in front of their friends, or not feeling like telling them.
What protects most
What weighs most is usually not the separation. It's the conflict between the adults when it runs through the child. A teen can get through a separation well if certain conditions are in place:
- They know what's going to happen in their day-to-day life.
- They can keep loving both parents without having to explain themselves.
- They aren't a messenger, a witness or a judge.
- The adults keep doing the job of being adults.
- They're allowed to feel what they feel, and to not talk when they don't want to.
Myths and facts
Myth
"They're old enough, they understand."
Fact
Understanding is not the same as not hurting. And understanding too much can be a burden.
Myth
"If they're not saying anything, it means they're fine."
Fact
Many teens stay quiet so they don't add one more problem for adults who seem fragile to them.
Myth
"It would have been better to stay together for the kids."
Fact
Growing up in the middle of constant conflict leaves a mark too. There's no single answer.
Myth
"They need to know the whole truth."
Fact
They need an explanation that is true and brief. Not the details of the couple's relationship.
Myth
"With time, they'll get over it on their own."
Fact
Time helps if there are adults available. And the separation comes up again at every stage: a birthday, a new partner, a graduation.
Try this: three questions, at different times
- 1"What changed the most for you with all of this?"
- 2"Is there anything about how we're organizing things that makes it harder for you?"
- 3"Is there anything you'd like us to stop doing?"
They don't have to answer on the spot. What matters is that they know they can say it.
A question to take with you
What do you think your teen isn't telling you so you won't worry?