Looking at the way I listen
Intentions matter, but so does the way you come into the conversation. A resource for taking a look at yourself as the adult.
2 min read
Being available doesn't mean asking about everything. Listening isn't waiting for your turn to respond. And sometimes supporting your teen better means stepping in less.
Myths and facts
Myth
"If I keep at it, I'll get them to talk."
Fact
Keeping at it doesn't always open things up. Sometimes it adds pressure.
Myth
"Good intentions are enough for the conversation to go well."
Fact
Intentions matter, and so does the way you come into the conversation.
Myth
"Listening well means quickly offering a solution."
Fact
Sometimes listening better means tolerating not fixing it right away.
Myth
"If they don't tell me something, they're shutting me out."
Fact
Not knowing everything doesn't mean you're shut out of the relationship.
Myth
"The difficulty is all on the teen's side."
Fact
In a conversation there is always more than one side.
How to say it
Instead of
"Tell me exactly what's going on with you."
Try
"If you want, we can think together about what's going on with you."
Instead of
"I already know what's going on with you."
Try
"I want to understand what this is like for you."
Instead of
"I don't understand why you didn't tell me sooner."
Try
"Thank you for telling me now."
Instead of
"I just want to help you."
Try
"I want to help you in a way that doesn't make you shut down more."
Instead of
"I'm talking to you nicely and you're reacting badly."
Try
"I also want to look at how I'm coming into this conversation."
Try this on your own: looking at how I come into a conversation
- 1Pick a recent conversation that went badly.
- 2Note the tone you came in with and what you wanted to achieve.
- 3Notice whether you rushed, interrupted or were quick to correct.
- 4Think of a shorter, more open way to start the next one.
Try this on your own: just one question
- 1Pick an important subject.
- 2Ask a single open-ended question.
- 3Listen to the whole answer, without adding another question right away.
- 4Respond only to that, without bringing up five more subjects.
What to watch for
- Whether your urge to clear everything up quickly eases.
- Whether your teen can stay in the conversation a little longer.
- Whether your presence supports or pressures.
A question to take with you
When you listen, are you waiting to understand or waiting for your turn?
To go deeper
Raíces is a space for looking at how people talked, and what wasn't talked about, in the home you grew up in.