When life at home gets very hard: where to start and how to ask for help
For when conflicts happen daily and no agreements work anymore. A clear starting point.
4 min read
If you've made it this far, you're probably going through a very demanding time. Living with a teen can be exhausting even in the best of circumstances. When the conflict becomes ongoing, the wear and tear is enormous.
Life at home doesn't get badly worn down overnight, and it doesn't get resolved overnight either. It is not the result of a personal failure: the stage of life, family history, context and temperament all play a part. The fact that you're looking for guidance shows that you care, and that is what a teen needs from their family.
What life at home looks like at a critical level
- Conflicts happen daily and are very intense.
- No agreements work anymore.
- There is frequent verbal aggression, from one side or both.
- You feel you've lost all authority or all connection.
- The atmosphere at home affects everyone.
First: bring the temperature down
Before solving the underlying problem, the immediate goal is to reduce the intensity of the conflicts. Not to resolve them: to bring them down a little.
- Avoid arguments at moments of high tension.
- Pick one battle at a time.
- Leave the room if the conversation escalates, and come back when you're both calmer.
- For a while, cut back on demands that aren't essential, so you can focus on what matters most.
How to say it
Instead of
"Enough, I can't take it anymore!"
Try
"I need a minute. We'll pick this up when we're both calmer."
Instead of
"You're impossible."
Try
"This isn't working. We need help."
Instead of
"Either you change or..."
Try
"I don't know how to continue without help. I want to get some."
Instead of
"Keep this up and you'll see."
Try
"There are consequences for this, but we're not going to decide them in the middle of a fight."
Myths and facts
Myth
"If I get help, they'll think I can't handle this."
Fact
Getting help is a clear sign that you care about the relationship.
Myth
"It's too late to change anything."
Fact
It isn't. Families whose situation had badly deteriorated have managed to rebuild the relationship with support.
Myth
"The problem is just my teen."
Fact
Family dynamics involve everyone. When any one person changes, it affects the rest.
Myth
"Going to a therapist means we're a dysfunctional family."
Fact
It means you're looking for tools. Every family needs them at some point.
Myth
"My teen won't want to go."
Fact
Many teens refuse at first and later come to value the space.
For this week, on your own
- 1On a piece of paper, write down the 3 situations that cause the most conflict at home.
- 2Mark which of the three wears you down the most.
- 3Decide which one you can set aside for now, so you can focus on what's essential.
The goal is to make the problem smaller, not to solve everything at once.
Which professional can help
Type
Family therapist
What it's for
Works on the family's dynamics and relationships
Type
Therapist who works with teens
What it's for
Works directly with your teen
Type
Parent guidance
What it's for
A more educational kind of support, for the adult
Where to look
- If you have health insurance: ask for a referral to a family therapist or a child and adolescent therapist.
- If you don't have insurance: community health centers and public hospitals, family counseling services in your city, and organizations that work with families and teens.
- If you don't know where to start: talk to your teen's doctor, or to their school counselor. They often have contacts.
How to bring it up with your teen
How to say it
Instead of
"You're going to a therapist because there's no getting through to you."
Try
"I want us to have a place to talk things through with someone who can help us. I think it would be good for both of us."
For the first appointment
Bring notes on how long the situation has been going on, which situations come up most often, what strategies you've already tried, and how your teen responded.
One step for today
Look up the nearest community health center, call the school counselor or ask someone you trust to recommend a professional. That's all. You don't need to have everything figured out to start.
A question to take with you
Who do you have to lean on while you go through this?