When a relationship hurts

Teen dating violence is real, and it almost never starts with hitting. It starts with something that looks like love: jealousy, texts all day, wanting to be together all the time. That's why it takes a while to see, even for the person living it.

Signs in the relationship

• Their partner checks their phone, asks for their passwords or asks them to share their location.
• Tells them what to wear, who to talk to or what to post.
• Gets angry if they don't answer right away.
• Has gradually pulled them away from their friends and their family.
• Humiliates them, insults them or makes fun of them, in private or in front of others.
• Pressures them to have sex or to send photos.
• Threatens to leave them, to tell people something or to hurt themselves.
• There is pushing, shaking or hitting, even if an apology follows.

Signs in your teen

• They've dropped friends and activities.
• They keep checking their phone because they're tense, not because they want to.
• They've changed how they dress or what they post.
• They justify everything their partner does.
• They're sadder, more nervous or quieter.
• They have marks they don't explain.

Why it's hard to leave

From the outside, it looks obvious. From the inside, there is affection, shame, fear and the hope that the other person will change. Many teens believe jealousy is proof of love, because that's what songs, shows and sometimes adults have shown them. And after each episode there is usually an apology that brings them close again.

What to do

1. 1Take care of your bond with your teen: it's what allows you to protect them. If they have to choose between their partner and you, they may choose their partner and end up more alone.
2. 2Talk about what you see, not about the other person: "You seem scared when your phone rings."
3. 3Ask more than you tell: "How do you feel when they get angry?"
4. 4Tell them it's not their fault and that they don't deserve to be treated that way.
5. 5Think through together what they would do if they got scared: who they'd call, where they'd go.
6. 6If the other person goes to the same school, let the school know. Tell your teen beforehand what you're going to say and to whom.
7. 7Get professional guidance, even if your teen doesn't want to yet.
8. 8If they decide to end the relationship, make sure they don't do it alone: it can be a time of higher risk.

What doesn't help

• Forbidding the relationship overnight, just like that.
• Insulting their partner.
• Saying "I warned you."
• Confronting the other person or their family yourself in a moment of anger.
• Taking away their phone: it cuts them off from the people who can help them.

If there is risk

If there has been hitting, threats, sexual violence or threats to share images, don't wait for your teen to agree: get specialized help. If there is immediate risk, call your local emergency number.

If your teen is the one doing the controlling or mistreating

That happens too, and it also calls for stepping in, without humiliating them and without looking the other way: name what you saw, say clearly that it is not acceptable and get professional help. Behind someone who controls there is often fear, and an idea of love that can be rethought in time.