Between pushing and letting go: looking at my own part
Fear about the future tends to speak louder than today's difficulty. A resource for looking at yourself as an adult.
2 min read
When there's a difficulty at school, adults tend to come in with demands, disappointment or fear about the future. Looking at that isn't about blaming yourself: it's about being able to step in with more clarity and less reactivity.
Myths and facts
Myth
"If I don't put pressure on them, they won't snap out of it."
Fact
Pressure can get them moving for a while, and it can also make them freeze up more.
Myth
"My anger shows that I care."
Fact
Anger can express worry, but it doesn't always help get things in order.
Myth
"If I ask less of them, they'll slack off."
Fact
Adjusting what you ask of them isn't abandoning them.
Myth
"The important thing is to get their grades back up fast."
Fact
Sometimes, before performance can recover, the conditions for working have to be restored, and so does confidence.
Myth
"If I admit they need help, I'm excusing their behavior."
Fact
Recognizing that they need help doesn't take away their responsibility: it makes that responsibility possible.
How to say it
Instead of
"I don't understand how you got to this point."
Try
"I want to piece together how things got this hard."
Instead of
"You need to snap out of it now."
Try
"We need to take one concrete step, not fix everything at once."
Instead of
"At your age I could handle this."
Try
"I want to understand what this is like for you, today."
Instead of
"If I don't pressure you, you don't do anything."
Try
"I want to find a way to be there for you that isn't just pressure."
Try this on your own: separate the future from the present
- 1Write down what fear about their future this situation sets off.
- 2Separate that fear from today's concrete difficulty.
- 3Come back to a question about the present: what needs to get sorted out this week.
- 4Act on that, and not on the whole future at once.
Try this on your own: stop repeating what doesn't help
- 1Make a list of what you've already tried as a family.
- 2Mark what made things worse, what wasn't enough and what helped a little.
- 3Stop insisting, out of habit, on what no longer helps.
What to watch for
- Whether you can talk about school without everything turning into a threat.
- Whether it's becoming clearer what exactly is stuck.
- Whether your teen can ask for help before they get overwhelmed.
A question to take with you
What are you afraid will happen with their future, and whose fear is that?
To go deeper
Raíces is a space for looking at what school was like in your own story, and what was expected of you.