When they have a conflict with someone their age
How to support them without taking sides right away, without minimizing and without overreacting. And how to tell a conflict from bullying.
2 min read
What helps most
- Listening without automatically taking sides.
- Acknowledging what they feel before looking for solutions.
- Asking what they need: for you to listen, to offer ideas or to step in.
- Trusting that they can work it out, with your support and not with you doing it for them.
What makes things harder
- Calling the other teen's family without checking with your teen first.
- Telling them how they should react before hearing how they feel.
- Minimizing: "That's silly."
- Overreacting: immediately turning any fight into something serious.
How to say it
Instead of
"I don't get why this affects you so much."
Try
"I want to understand what got to you most about this."
Instead of
"That's what you get for making bad choices."
Try
"I don't want to rush to blame anyone. I'd rather understand what happened."
Instead of
"Don't make a big deal out of it. Just move on."
Try
"Maybe to move on, you first have to figure out how this affected you."
Instead of
"You'll find other friends."
Try
"Before we think about solutions, I want to understand what hurts."
Conflict or bullying
A conflict
It's between people with similar power
Bullying
One or more people have more power than the other
A conflict
It's a one-time thing, or it comes and goes
Bullying
It keeps happening and goes on over time
A conflict
Both are having a hard time
Bullying
One is trying to hurt, humiliate or leave the other out
If there are signs of bullying
- 1Listen and believe them. Don't ask what they did to make it happen.
- 2Write down what happened, when and who was there. If it happened on social media, save screenshots.
- 3Let the school know and ask them to step in. Don't confront the other teens or their families on your own.
- 4In the days that follow, ask them again how things are going.
If your teen is the one bullying someone else, they need help too: not just a punishment, but to understand what is going on with them.
Try this on your own
- 1Think of a recent conflict that affected them a lot.
- 2Notice what your first reaction was on the inside.
- 3Ask yourself whether you played it down because it seemed like just a teenage thing, or because you didn't know how to support them.
- 4Think of a more open way to approach them next time.
A question to take with you
When they tell you about a conflict, what do you want to resolve first: what happened to them, or what went on inside you when you heard it?
To go deeper
Raíces is a space to look at what your own relationships were like when you were their age, and what place you had among others.