When the adults at home don't agree
A limit that one adult sets and another lifts stops giving structure. How to agree between adults without fighting in front of the kids.
2 min read
It's common for the adults raising a teen not to see limits the same way. One tends to be firmer and the other more flexible, and over time each moves further toward their own extreme to make up for the other. The disagreement isn't the problem. The problem comes when you argue in front of your teen, or when one undoes what the other said.
What often happens
- Your teen learns who to ask for what.
- The firmer adult ends up as "the bad guy" and the more flexible one as "the good guy."
- The fight stops being about the limit and becomes a fight between the adults.
- Meanwhile, the limit is left with no one holding it.
What helps
- 1Talk it over between the adults beforehand, not in the middle of the conflict.
- 2Choose a few agreements, the ones you can both truly keep. Three shared agreements are better than ten that only one of you defends.
- 3If the other adult has already said something in front of your teen, don't undermine them in that moment. Talk it over later, in private.
- 4Accept that you won't agree on everything. Agreeing on what matters is enough.
How to say it
Instead of
"Your dad is overreacting. Do what you want."
Try
"We're going to talk about that between us, and then we'll let you know."
Instead of
"Ask your mom. I'm staying out of it."
Try
"We decide that together. Give me a bit and we'll get back to you."
Instead of
"This wouldn't happen on my watch."
Try
"We see this differently, but the agreement is the same."
If the adults live in separate homes
The two homes don't need to have the same rules. It does help if they agree on what matters most: safety, school, rest. And if neither adult uses your teen to speak badly about the other or to pass along messages.
A question to take with you
What are you defending when you argue about that limit with the other adult: the limit, or your way of parenting?