When there are signs of use, or the risk is high
What to do first, how to talk, when it's an emergency and what comes next.
3 min read
What you're feeling right now, whether it's fear, guilt, anger or confusion, makes sense. There is no wrong reaction to this. What matters is what you do with it before you act.
What doesn't help
- Reacting out of anger or fear, without waiting until you're calmer.
- Looking for proof by going through their things before you've talked.
- Threatening extreme consequences.
- Minimizing: "It was only once."
- Blaming yourself, or blaming the other adult.
What can help
- 1Calm yourself first. Don't talk at the worst moment. Wait, even if it's just a few hours.
- 2A direct conversation, without a lecture. "I know what's going on. I'm not here to give you a hard time. I'm here because I care about you and this worries me. I want to understand."
- 3Look at how serious it is. Were they trying it out? Is it regular? Can they stop? What do they use it for? The kind of help needed depends on that.
- 4Get professional guidance this week. Not because you've failed: because it's what this situation calls for.
If they are intoxicated or there is immediate risk
- Get emergency help if they pass out, are confused, have trouble breathing or can't stay awake.
- Don't leave them alone.
- Don't start an argument while they're in that state. Safety comes first.
- Put alcohol, substances and medication out of their reach.
- Write down what happened, so you can explain it clearly at the appointment.
If your teen talks about hurting themselves or not wanting to live
Take it seriously, even if they say it in passing, as a joke or in a moment of anger.
Ask directly and calmly: "Are you thinking about hurting yourself?" Asking does not put the idea in their head. It may be what lets them ask for help.
Listen to the answer without scolding or arguing. "Thank you for telling me. You won't go through this alone."
If they say yes, or you can't tell: stay close and don't leave them alone. Put medications and anything they could use to hurt themselves out of reach. And get help today.
Where to get help today: a hospital emergency room, your local emergency number or a crisis line.
The days that follow
- 1Decide which adults will be there for your teen.
- 2Put the highest-risk situations on hold for a while.
- 3Make an appointment for guidance or an evaluation.
- 4Keep up one short conversation a day, focused on how they're doing and not on blame.
- 5Don't lift all the limits as soon as the hard moment passes.
Myths and facts
Myth
"They have to hit rock bottom before they'll ask for help."
Fact
Waiting for them to hit rock bottom can increase the harm.
Myth
"It all comes down to their willpower."
Fact
When substance use is a problem, willpower alone isn't enough.
Myth
"As long as they say they have it under control, there's no problem."
Fact
Feeling in control may not match the real risk.
Myth
"If we get professional help, we're labeling them."
Fact
Getting professional help can be a way of caring, not labeling.
Myth
"Love is enough."
Fact
Love is necessary, and it isn't always enough.
How to say it
Instead of
"You ruined everything."
Try
"This is serious, and we're going to act to take care of you. You're not going to go through this alone."
Instead of
"You're an addict."
Try
"I'm seeing signs of risk, and we need help to understand what's going on."
Instead of
"Promise me you'll never do it again, and that's the end of it."
Try
"Promises matter, but we need a plan and support to keep them."
Instead of
"No one can know about this."
Try
"We're going to protect your privacy, and we're also going to ask the right people for help."
Instead of
"You're going to a specialist because you're an addict."
Try
"I want us to talk to someone who understands this better than I do. It's not a punishment."
Something for you
You didn't cause this on your own. Teen substance use has many causes: the stage of life, the context, distress, how easy substances are to get. And there is something you can do: acting early makes a big difference. Your teen doesn't need you to have it all figured out. They need to know you won't leave them alone with this.
A question to take with you
What do you think they're looking for, or what do they want to stop feeling, when they use?