When school has become a source of suffering
Severe school difficulties are almost never just academic. Where to start, and what matters more than grades.
2 min read
When school gets to this point, it's almost never just a studying problem. It's usually saying that something else is going on: emotionally, with their classmates or in their relationships. Working only on the grades, without understanding that, is not enough.
What to do now
- 1Understand before acting on the academics. It matters that they're doing badly. But first it's worth knowing what's going on in their life.
- 2A conversation that isn't after a result. "I can see that school has been really hard. I'm not lecturing you. I want to understand what's going on."
- 3Coordinate with the school. Not so the school will fix it, but so it can be part of the support.
- 4Look for professional support. To understand the causes and to support your teen and the family.
Rebuild a basic foundation
- 1Choose a single school goal, basic and doable, for the next few days.
- 2Agree on what specific support they need to attempt it.
- 3Don't pile on several demands at the same time.
- 4See whether that goal was doable before moving on.
Myths and facts
Myth
"Firm discipline will fix this."
Fact
Discipline without understanding what's going on can make a severe situation worse.
Myth
"If they don't go or don't do the work, it's because they don't care."
Fact
Not doing the work can mean freezing up, distress or a deep disconnection.
Myth
"If they repeat a grade, it's a failure."
Fact
Repeating a grade with good support can be an opportunity. With poor support, a wound.
Myth
"Just get them a tutor and that's that."
Fact
Academic support works when there is a certain amount of emotional stability.
Myth
"School comes first, even if they're not okay."
Fact
When there is significant suffering, school can't be looked at separately from how they're doing.
How to say it
Instead of
"You have to go, period."
Try
"This is already affecting you a lot, and we need to understand what's going on so we can help you better."
Instead of
"I don't care how you feel, you have to do what you're supposed to."
Try
"School matters, and so does whatever's going on with you that's making it impossible to keep up."
Instead of
"Starting tomorrow, you go back to doing everything perfectly."
Try
"We're going to rebuild a base you can manage, step by step."
Instead of
"It's just a studying issue."
Try
"I want to look at whether this is also telling us something else."
What matters most isn't the grades
Performance matters. But it's not the most important thing. The most important thing is for your teen to feel that they can fail without it changing what you think of them. That grades don't define how much they're worth. That they can go through a hard stretch at school and still be loved and supported.
One step for this week
At some point, when the subject isn't school, tell them: "No matter how you do in school, you matter to me."
A question to take with you
What does your teen know about what you think of them when they're doing badly?