When you're very worried: what to do today
Your worry is not an overreaction. Four steps, and what to do if they talk about hurting themselves.
2 min read
If you've made it this far, what you're feeling is an important sign. Your worry is not an overreaction. Trust what you're seeing.
If your teen is suffering a lot, you probably are too. Seeing your child struggle and not being able to fix it is one of the hardest things there is. You don't have to know what to do about everything: taking the next step is enough.
Four steps
- 1Don't wait. Intense distress doesn't usually resolve on its own with time. The sooner there is professional support, the better.
- 2One conversation today. It doesn't have to be perfect. "I can tell you're going through something really hard. You don't have to tell me everything. I want you to know I'm going to be with you and that we're going to find help together."
- 3Find a professional this week. You can start with your teen's doctor, with the school counselor, or go directly to a therapist with experience working with teens.
- 4Take care of yourself too. Supporting someone who is suffering is exhausting. You need your own support: someone you trust, a professional, someone.
If your teen talks about hurting themselves or not wanting to live
Take it seriously, even if they say it in passing, as a joke or in a moment of anger.
Ask directly and calmly: "Are you thinking about hurting yourself?" Asking does not put the idea in their head. It may be what lets them ask for help.
Listen to the answer without scolding or arguing. "Thank you for telling me. You won't go through this alone."
If they say yes, or you can't tell: stay close and don't leave them alone. Put medications and anything they could use to hurt themselves out of reach. And get help today.
Where to get help today: a hospital emergency room, your local emergency number or a crisis line.
Myths and facts
Myth
"If I ask whether they're thinking about hurting themselves, I'll put the idea in their head."
Fact
Asking directly doesn't plant the idea. It may be what allows them to ask for help.
Myth
"They're saying it to get attention."
Fact
Every expression of distress deserves to be taken seriously.
Myth
"If they don't talk about hurting themselves, it's not that serious."
Fact
How serious it is isn't measured only by what they're able to put into words.
Myth
"Talking about getting professional help will scare them more."
Fact
Talking clearly about asking for help can be steadying, more than frightening.
Myth
"Family is enough."
Fact
Family provides a lot of support, and sometimes it isn't enough on its own.
How to say it
Instead of
"Don't say things like that."
Try
"What you're saying is important, and I don't want you to be alone with it."
Instead of
"You'll get over it, don't overreact."
Try
"I feel like this is already taking up a lot of room, and I want to take it seriously."
Instead of
"You have to explain everything to me right now."
Try
"I don't need you to explain it perfectly to understand that this needs care."
Instead of
"I'm sure you'll feel better tomorrow."
Try
"I want to do something today, and not just leave this to time."
To get your bearings today
- 1Decide what is most urgent to take care of: safety, rest, company, or professional help.
- 2Don't try to solve everything at once.
- 3Choose just one action for today.
One step for today
Call someone: the doctor, the school, a therapist. Just that.
A question to take with you
Who is holding you up while you carry this?