Supporting your teen without rushing them to define themselves
Identity in adolescence is built in motion. What a teen needs in order to explore without getting boxed into a label.
2 min read
In adolescence, the question "Who am I?" moves front and center. It's not a crisis: it's a process. It takes shape as they try out tastes, places to belong, ways of presenting themselves, values and ideas. What helps most is an environment where they can experiment without feeling they have to define themselves once and for all.
What they need
- Room to explore without every exploration being judged.
- Adults who can tolerate the discomfort of what is different.
- People they can look to, inside and outside the family.
- Having their questions met with curiosity, not with ready-made answers.
Myths and facts
Myth
"At their age, they should have it figured out by now."
Fact
Teen identity is built through trying things out, changing and searching.
Myth
"If they change their tastes or the way they dress, they've lost their way."
Fact
Change isn't always conflict. Often it's exploration.
Myth
"Supporting them means approving of everything without asking any questions."
Fact
Supporting them includes listening, guiding and also setting limits when needed.
Myth
"If I give them too much freedom, they'll lose their way."
Fact
Exploring with support doesn't make them lose their way. Restriction without dialogue is what can push them away.
Myth
"Family loses its place once the friend group shows up."
Fact
The friend group matters a lot, and family is still a point of reference.
How to say it
Instead of
"You used to be different."
Try
"I see you're changing some things. I'd like to understand what they mean to you."
Instead of
"It's a phase."
Try
"This may change or it may not. What matters is that we can talk about it with respect."
Instead of
"I don't recognize you."
Try
"I'm learning to get to know this part of you too."
Instead of
"As long as you live in this house, you're not going to be like that."
Try
"We can talk about how you present yourself, and also about what we need to look after in our life at home."
Instead of
"I don't understand your generation at all."
Try
"I may not get everything right away, but I want to listen to you without making fun of you or judging you."
Try this: a conversation with curiosity
- 1Pick a calm moment, and don't force it.
- 2Ask what matters to them these days, what they like, or what they feel represents them.
- 3Listen without correcting right away.
- 4Don't turn every answer into a final conclusion.
- 5Make it clear they can keep talking whenever they want.
Try this: one question a week
Once a week, ask them a question about who they are, not about what they do. "What's something about you that you think few people know?" is one example.
A question to take with you
What did you imagine for your teen before they started showing you who they are?