Crisis help

When I notice something isn't right in their social life

Signs worth looking at, what to ask yourself before you act and how to open the conversation.

2 min read

Signs worth looking at

  • They go out less, or have less contact with friends than before.
  • They often come home from school in a bad mood or sad, with no explanation.
  • They talk less about their friends, or avoid the subject.
  • There is one person in particular they keep having conflict with.
  • There are signs that they feel left out or different.

Before you act, three questions

  1. 1Did it start gradually, or was there a sudden change?
  2. 2Does it coincide with something: changing schools, a fight, a change in the group?
  3. 3Do you see it in other parts of their life too, or only in their social life?

How to open the conversation

"I've noticed you haven't been going out as much lately, or that you don't mention your friends. I'm not asking to pry. I'm asking because I care about how you're doing."
Myths and facts

Myth

"They're shy, that's just how they are."

Fact

Shyness doesn't explain ongoing isolation. There may be something more.

Myth

"It'll pass."

Fact

Sometimes it does. Sometimes it deepens if no one reaches out.

Myth

"I have to find friends for them."

Fact

You can't make friends for them. What you can do is create the conditions.

Myth

"If they don't tell me anything, it must not have affected them that much."

Fact

Silence doesn't always mean it didn't hurt.

For this week

Identify an activity they used to enjoy and gave up. Offer them the chance to pick it back up, with no pressure, as an option.

Follow-up, week by week

Week

1

Suggested action

Identify when and how the change started

Week

2

Suggested action

Open the conversation

Week

3

Suggested action

Offer a specific activity or space

Week

4

Suggested action

Look at whether anything has changed, and whether it's time to reach out for support

A question to take with you

What changed first: their social life or their mood?

Signs to get help right away

It's best to talk to a professional right away if:

  • They've been isolated from almost everyone for weeks, and you can tell it's painful for them.
  • There are signs of bullying, whether they're the target or the one doing it.
  • The group consistently excludes them.
  • Their distress around other people is so intense that it keeps them from going to school or living their life.
  • They're in a relationship, whether a friendship or a dating relationship, where there is control, jealousy that isolates them or mistreatment.

If there is bullying at school, the school needs to know and needs to step in. And if along with the isolation you notice sadness or hopelessness, also look at the Mood and emotions topic.

You don't have to wait for the problem to get bigger to ask for help.

Next resourceBack to the resources

Only the resource is shared. Never your answers or your reading.