When you can't reach agreement, or your teen is really struggling

Almost everything that gets recommended in a separation assumes two adults who can talk. That's not always the case. There are conflicts that don't ease, adults who are absent and situations of violence. In those cases, supporting your teen means something else.

If the conflict is high and doesn't ease

When every contact ends in a fight, parenting "together" doesn't work. Parallel parenting works better: each adult handles things in their own home, with as little contact as possible between the two.

If those fights involve fear, threats or control, it isn't a conflict: it's violence. Go to the section "If there has been violence."

• Communication in writing only, brief and about matters that concern your teen.
• A fixed schedule that doesn't have to be negotiated every week.
• Handoffs in a neutral place, with no conversation between the adults.
• No arguing in front of your teen, or on the phone next to them.
• If needed, a third party to bring order: mediation, legal advice, a professional.

If the other parent isn't around, or comes and goes

An absence hurts differently than a separation: your teen may wonder what they did to make that parent stay away. They didn't do anything, and they need to hear that.

• Don't make up excuses or make promises on the other parent's behalf: "I'm sure they'll come."
• Don't condemn the other parent either: they are still your teen's mom or dad, and what you say reaches your teen.
• Name what's happening plainly: "I don't know why they didn't call. I do know it has nothing to do with you."
• Let them be angry or sad, and let them want to reach out to that parent someday.
• Help them lean on other adults who are there.

If there has been violence

If there was violence in your relationship, or there is violence toward your teen, the recommendations about reaching agreement and about not talking about the other parent don't apply in the same way. Safety comes first, yours and your teen's.

• You don't have to keep up contact that puts you at risk.
• Seek legal advice and a domestic violence service. If there is immediate risk, call your local emergency number.
• You can tell your teen the truth in simple words: that what happened was not okay, that it was not their fault and that the adults are making sure everyone is safe.
• Living with violence at home has effects, even if it wasn't directed at them. It's worth an appointment with a professional.

If they don't want to go with one parent

This happens often in the teen years and can have very different reasons: a specific fight, being bored there or far from their friends, a new partner, loyalty toward the parent they see as more fragile, or something serious happening in that home.

1. 1Listen before deciding: "Tell me what happens when you're there."
2. 2Don't use it to make your case in a fight between adults.
3. 3Don't force them without having understood, and don't leave the whole decision to them either.
4. 4If something comes up that points to abuse or risk, listen without interrogating and, before the next visit, seek legal advice and contact child protective services.
5. 5If the refusal continues, get professional help. A third party is needed.

When to get help for your teen

• The distress isn't easing, or it's growing as the months go by.
• They've changed a lot at school, with friends or in their mood.
• They've ended up in charge of taking care of an adult or their siblings.
• They don't talk about it with anyone.
• The adults can't manage to stop fighting in front of them.

Who can help

Something for you

You can do a lot even if the other parent does nothing. A teen doesn't need a perfect separation. They need at least one adult who doesn't put them in the middle and who stays.