Crisis help

How to talk about their friendships without them shutting down

What shuts things down and what opens things up when the conversation is about their friends.

2 min read

What shuts things down

  • Giving opinions about their friends before getting to know them.
  • Comparing them with other people.
  • Minimizing a conflict: "That's nothing, it'll blow over."
  • Giving advice they didn't ask for about how to handle the situation.
  • Asking too much all at once.

What opens things up

  • "How are things going with your friends?"
  • "Is there anyone new in your group, or anyone who's pulled away?"
  • "How do you feel in the group?"
  • "Is there anything that's been hard for you with other people?"
  • "What do you need from me when you're having a conflict with someone?"
How to say it

Instead of

"I don't like that friend at all."

Try

"I want to understand how you feel in that friendship."

Instead of

"You always pick the wrong friends."

Try

"I'd like to think through with you what's good for you in your relationships and what isn't."

Instead of

"Tell me everything that happened."

Try

"If you want, tell me what mattered most to you."

Instead of

"Stop hanging out with that person, and that's that."

Try

"Before I tell you what to do, I want to understand what's going on there."

For this week

Pick one of the questions and use it at a casual moment: on the way somewhere, over a meal, on a walk.

A question to take with you

Which of their friendships is hard for you, and what is it about that friendship that's hard?

Signs to get help right away

It's best to talk to a professional right away if:

  • They've been isolated from almost everyone for weeks, and you can tell it's painful for them.
  • There are signs of bullying, whether they're the target or the one doing it.
  • The group consistently excludes them.
  • Their distress around other people is so intense that it keeps them from going to school or living their life.
  • They're in a relationship, whether a friendship or a dating relationship, where there is control, jealousy that isolates them or mistreatment.

If there is bullying at school, the school needs to know and needs to step in. And if along with the isolation you notice sadness or hopelessness, also look at the Mood and emotions topic.

You don't have to wait for the problem to get bigger to ask for help.

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