How to talk without lecturing
Many short conversations are worth more than "the talk." How to start, what to say and what to do with your own discomfort.
2 min read
"The talk," the one-time, serious one with the two of you sitting face to face, almost never works: it makes everyone uncomfortable and comes too late or too soon. What works is many short conversations, over the years, that build on what's already happening.
Moments that work
- A scene in a show or a movie.
- A news story, a song, something that happened at school.
- A question from them, even if it comes at a bad time.
- A car ride, a walk, cooking together: talking without facing each other helps.
How to do it
- 1Start by asking what they know or what they think: "What do your friends say about this?"
- 2Answer what they ask, in a few words. Don't use it as a chance to say everything.
- 3Use the correct words for the body, with no cutesy names and no beating around the bush.
- 4If you don't know, say so: "I don't know. I'll look it up and get back to you."
- 5Say what you think, as your opinion and not as the law.
- 6End by leaving the door open.
"I might get a little embarrassed talking about this sometimes, and you might too. Even so, I'd rather you ask me than be left wondering."
Your own discomfort
Chances are no one talked to you this way. Discomfort isn't an obstacle: it's where almost every adult starts. You don't need to hide it. What's worth looking at is what it does to you: whether it leads you to go quiet, to joke, to scold or to lecture.
Your values count too
You may have firm convictions about when and how. Share them: your teen needs to know what you think. What protects them is knowing that, whatever they think, they can come to you if something happens. A teen who is afraid of disappointing you tends to protect themselves less well, because they do it in secret.
How to say it
Instead of
"We don't talk about that."
Try
"It's a little hard for me, but I want us to be able to talk."
Instead of
"Have you had sex yet? Tell me the truth."
Try
"I don't need to know everything. I do want you to have what you need to protect yourself, and someone to ask."
Instead of
"You're too young for that."
Try
"I think it's too soon, and I'll tell you why. Even so, I want you to know how to protect yourself."
Instead of
"Be safe."
Try
"Being safe means using a condom, and it also means being able to say no and choosing who you're with."
Instead of
"If anything happens, you're in big trouble."
Try
"If something goes wrong, call me. I'll help you first, and we'll talk later."
If they tell you something you didn't expect
The first thing they hear decides whether they'll tell you again. Take a breath, thank them for telling you and ask what they need. Whatever you need to think through, you can think through later.
A question to take with you
What is hardest for you to name about this topic, and what do you think would happen if you named it?