From "they won't" to "what's hard for them": rethinking my expectations
Many everyday fights are against a behavior. This resource suggests reading the need behind it first.
2 min read
Chores, schedules, screens, hygiene, school: the family can get trapped in arguments that keep repeating. Often the suffering shows up when your teen has to meet expectations designed for a different way of functioning. This doesn't do away with limits. It lets you step in with more precision and less wear and tear.
Myths and facts
Myth
"Adjusting things is making life too easy for them."
Fact
The right adjustment can give them more autonomy.
Myth
"If they aren't forced to learn, they won't make it out in the world."
Fact
Out in the world, too, people do better with tools, with supports and by knowing themselves.
Myth
"All teenagers are equally messy or distracted."
Fact
Some patterns go beyond what's expected and deserve a more careful look.
Myth
"When they say they can't, they're manipulating me."
Fact
Sometimes "I can't" is a real shutdown.
Myth
"Frustration gets fixed with more pressure."
Fact
More pressure can make the overwhelm worse.
How to say it
Instead of
"I'm not going to change everything for you."
Try
"We can make some reasonable adjustments so life at home is more manageable."
Instead of
"You have to be like everyone else."
Try
"I want to help you find your own ways of getting organized and taking part."
Instead of
"You're so difficult."
Try
"Some things take more effort for you. That doesn't make you a problem."
Instead of
"You're just messing with me."
Try
"I need to understand whether you're avoiding this, shutting down or overloaded, so I can help you better."
Instead of
"I don't know what to do with you anymore."
Try
"What we've been doing isn't enough. Let's try another way."
Try this on your own: change the question
- 1Choose a conflict that keeps repeating.
- 2Replace "why won't they do it?" with "which part are they getting stuck on?"
- 3See whether the part that gets stuck is getting started, getting organized, switching from one thing to another, sensitivity, or finishing.
- 4Try one specific kind of help for that part.
- 5See whether the conflict eases.
Try this on your own: the phrase that keeps coming up
- 1Identify a phrase that gets said a lot at home: "they should be able to," "they're not trying," "they're doing it on purpose."
- 2Ask yourself whether that phrase helps you understand, or only lets off frustration.
- 3Replace it with a question: "what exactly is hard for them?"
Limits yes, rigid demands no
- Decide which limit is needed for life at home.
- Check whether the way you ask for it is clear and doable.
- Break big tasks into small steps.
- Acknowledge progress, even when it isn't perfect.
A question to take with you
What did you expect of your teen that is hard for you to let go of today?
To go deeper
Raíces is a space for looking at how someone who was different was received in your family, and what was expected of you.