Between calming them fast and being there for them: looking at my own part
When your teen is in distress, the first thing is usually the rush to calm them down. Looking at that rush lets you stay a little longer.
2 min read
When your teen is in distress, the first thing that usually shows up is the rush to calm them down. Looking at that rush isn't about blaming yourself: it's about being able to stay a little longer before shutting things down.
Myths and facts
Myth
"If I worry a lot, I'll support them better."
Fact
Worrying a lot doesn't make your support better if it turns into pressure.
Myth
"Calming them down fast always helps."
Fact
Calming them down fast can shut down something that still needs room.
Myth
"My discomfort with their distress doesn't affect anything."
Fact
An adult's discomfort affects the way they approach their teen.
Myth
"Supporting them emotionally means asking how they feel all the time."
Fact
Asking too much can be intrusive. Silence doesn't always mean they're okay, either.
Myth
"The best help is convincing them it's not serious."
Fact
Sometimes what helps more is listening better before reassuring or explaining.
How to say it
Instead of
"You need to relax."
Try
"I don't want to push you to be okay quickly. First I want to hear what's going on with you."
Instead of
"Don't think about that."
Try
"Maybe we need to look at how much room this is taking up for you."
Instead of
"I already know what you need."
Try
"I'd rather figure out with you, as we go, what helps and what doesn't."
Instead of
"I don't want to see you upset."
Try
"Seeing you like this worries me, but I want to be here without rushing you."
Instead of
"Let me help you right now."
Try
"I want to listen to you better first, before thinking about what might help."
Try this on your own: look at how I calm them down
- 1Think back to a recent situation when you saw your teen struggling.
- 2Note your first response: calming, explaining, correcting, or minimizing?
- 3Ask yourself what effect that had on the chance to talk.
- 4Think of a more open response for next time.
Try this on your own: tell worry apart from pressure
- 1Notice how your worry shows when you see them struggling.
- 2Spot whether it turns into repeated questions, control, or urgency.
- 3Choose a briefer way to approach them.
- 4Try it out during the week.
What to watch for
- Whether you can support them with less of a rush.
- Whether your teen can stay in the conversation a little longer.
- Whether your presence opens up or shuts down the chance to talk.
A question to take with you
When you calm them down fast, who are you calming?
To go deeper
Raíces is a space for looking at how sadness and anger were handled in the home where you grew up.