Two homes: routines, rules and transitions

If there has been violence, this doesn't apply in the same way. See the resource "When you can't reach agreement, or your teen is really struggling."

Living in two homes has a cost that adults don't always see: your teen is the one who goes back and forth, packs the bag, forgets the charger and adapts to two ways of doing things. The more predictable it is, the less energy it takes from them.

What keeps things steady

• A schedule posted where they can see it, one they know ahead of time.
• Letting them know about changes ahead of time, not the same day.
• Their basics in both homes, so they aren't living out of a bag.
• A place of their own in each home, even a small one: a drawer, a shelf, a bed that is theirs.
• Being able to talk to the other parent whenever they want, without asking permission.

Different rules in each home

The two homes don't have to run the same way. Teens understand that each place has its own ways. What is worth agreeing on is the basics: curfews, phone use at night, school, health and what happens with substance use.

If you can't reach agreement, stick to your rules in your home without putting down the rules in the other one: "It's one way there, and it's this way here." The difference isn't what throws things off. It's each adult using their rules to show that the other one is doing it wrong.

See also, in the Limits and life at home topic, the resource "When the adults at home don't agree."

Transitions

Switching homes is the most sensitive moment of the week. Many teens arrive in a bad mood, quiet or tired. It isn't aimed at you: they're moving from one world to another.

• Avoid asking about the other home the minute they walk in.
• Give them some time before you ask them for anything.
• The handoff is not the time for the adults to argue.
• If things are tense when the adults meet, do the handoff in a neutral place, such as school pickup.

With teens, the schedule is a conversation

At this age, friends, going out, sports and a dating relationship come into the picture. A rigid schedule of days starts to clash with their life. Asking to switch a weekend so they can go to a birthday party isn't a rejection of either of you: it's to be expected. Listening to their opinion about the days doesn't mean leaving the decision to them, or making them choose who they live with.

Special occasions

• Decide birthdays, holidays and vacations well ahead of time.
• Ask them what they'd prefer, without making them choose between people.
• At school events and when they achieve something, let them have both of you there without worrying about how you'll treat each other.

Try this: go over the schedule with your teen

1. 1Ask them what's most uncomfortable about going back and forth.
2. 2Pick just one thing to change this month.
3. 3If it depends on the other parent, you bring it up. Don't ask your teen to raise it.