How to talk about identity, gender and sexuality without shutting down
These topics touch adults' deep values and fears. What shuts things down and what opens things up.
2 min read
These topics stir up so much in adults because they touch deep values, religious or cultural beliefs, fears about a child's future and, sometimes, unresolved things from their own history. It's not easy. And it's okay that it isn't.
What shuts things down
- "It's a fad."
- "We don't talk about that in this family."
- "Did your friends put that in your head?"
- "You'll understand when you're older."
- Total silence: the topic simply doesn't exist.
What opens things up
- "Thank you for telling me. I know it's not easy."
- "I don't have all the answers, but I want to hear you."
- "How long have you been thinking about this? How are you feeling?"
- "Is there anything you need from me right now?"
- Time: it doesn't have to be settled in one conversation.
Questions that open things up
- "What part of this do you feel says something about you?"
- "Where do you feel you can be most yourself?"
- "Is there anything you're afraid to show?"
How to say it
Instead of
"That looks awful."
Try
"It may be hard for me to understand, but I want to know what it means to you."
Instead of
"You'll change your mind."
Try
"Right now this is important to you. We can make room for it without deciding everything for good."
Instead of
"You're not going out like that."
Try
"We can talk about how you want to present yourself, and also about what to keep in mind depending on where you are."
What matters most
For your teen to know they can tell you things about who they are without fear of losing your love or your presence. That alone already changes a lot.
A question to take with you
What couldn't be talked about in the home where you grew up, and what can't be talked about in yours today?
To go deeper
Raíces is a space to look at what it was like for you to make a place of your own, and how your family responded to your differences.