When I notice signs that worry me
Some signs aren't an emergency, but they aren't something to let slide either.
2 min read
Signs that are worth taking seriously
- Sadness or apathy that has lasted more than two weeks.
- Changes in sleep or eating that don't go away.
- Pulling away from activities and people they used to enjoy.
- Frequent negative comments about themselves.
- Intense irritability that doesn't seem related to what's going on.
Distress often doesn't look like sadness. It looks like irritability, tiredness, distance, or loss of interest. And someone who is struggling can't always ask for help clearly.
Before you act, three questions
- 1How long has this sign been going on?
- 2Does it line up with something that happened to them?
- 3Does it affect just one part of their life, or does it show up in several?
How to say it
"I've noticed that lately you seem to be going through a hard time. I'm not asking so you'll tell me everything. I'm asking because I see you and I care about you."
How to say it
Instead of
"It's not that big a deal."
Try
"I want to take what you're going through seriously, even if I don't fully understand yet what's going on with you."
Instead of
"You'll get over it."
Try
"I can see this has been going on a while, and I think it's important to look closer."
Instead of
"You need to try harder."
Try
"I don't want to make this about effort or willpower if there's something you're struggling with."
Instead of
"If you don't tell me anything, I can't do anything."
Try
"Even if it's hard to explain, we can try to figure it out little by little."
Myths and facts
Myth
"If I ask, I'll make it worse."
Fact
Naming what you see doesn't create the problem. Often it brings relief.
Myth
"It's a phase, it'll pass."
Fact
Maybe. But if it doesn't pass, waiting adds weeks of distress.
Myth
"I don't want to alarm them."
Fact
Worry expressed calmly doesn't alarm. It tells them you see them.
Myth
"If they're still doing their usual things, it's not serious."
Fact
They can keep up part of their routine and still be going through serious distress.
For this week
Once, say something like: "I don't need to ask you anything today. I just want you to know I see you." Don't expect an answer.
Follow-up, week by week
Week
1
Suggested action
Name what you're noticing, without pressure
Week
2
Suggested action
Add more moments of quiet presence
Week
3
Suggested action
If the signs continue, talk to a professional
Week
4
Suggested action
Work out with the professional how to move forward
A question to take with you
What are you afraid of confirming if you ask?