Screens: pornography, intimate photos and pressure

Pornography

Most teens see pornography at some point, often without looking for it and earlier than adults imagine. The problem isn't curiosity. It's when it becomes their only source of information about sex.

• What it shows is acted: that's not how bodies look or how pleasure works.
• Consent, care and tenderness almost never appear.
• It often shows violence or humiliation as if they were routine.

There's no need to interrogate. It's enough to say it calmly, and to come back to the topic when it comes up:

"If you ever see pornography, I want you to know that it's a performance. That's not how two people who care about each other treat each other. If you see something that makes you uncomfortable or scares you, you can tell me."

Intimate photos and videos

For some teens, sending each other images is part of a relationship. That is not the same as doing it under pressure, or as the image being shared without permission. In some places, it also has legal consequences even between people of the same age. Your teen needs to know three things:

• No one who truly cares about them pressures them to send a photo.
• Once an image is sent, it's out of their control.
• Forwarding someone else's intimate image harms that person, and in many places it is a crime.

If an image of them is circulating, or someone threatens to share it

1. 1The first thing they need to hear: "It's not your fault. You did the right thing by telling me." The person responsible is the one who shares or threatens.
2. 2Don't pay or give in to what they're asking for. It usually makes things worse.
3. 3Don't delete the conversation. Save screenshots of the messages, the usernames and the links. There's no need to screenshot or forward the image.
4. 4Block the account and report it on the platform. Take It Down (takeitdown.ncmec.org) is a free service that helps stop the spread of intimate images of people under 18 on participating platforms.
5. 5If an adult is involved, or there is extortion or the image has been shared, get specialized help and file a report with law enforcement.
6. 6If it's circulating among classmates, let the school know. Tell your teen beforehand what you're going to say and to whom.
7. 7Stay close, so they aren't left alone with this. The shame can be very intense. If they talk about hurting themselves or not wanting to live, go to Crisis help.

When an adult or a stranger messages them

• Signs: they ask for secrecy, flatter a lot, give gifts, move quickly to intimate topics, ask for photos, suggest switching to another app.
• What to tell them before it happens: "If someone asks you to keep a secret from me, that's the sign to tell me."
• If it already happened: save the conversations, don't message that person yourself, report the account on the platform and file a report with law enforcement. And don't punish your teen by taking away their phone: if telling gets punished, next time they won't tell.

See also the Technology and social media topic.