Crisis help

Screens with purpose: supporting your teen without banning or letting go

It's not about banning or controlling, but about helping build a more mindful relationship with technology.

2 min read

This is about helping your teen have a mindful relationship with technology. Something many of us adults don't have either.

Myths and facts

Myth

"Social media is dangerous."

Fact

It's a real social space. The risk isn't in being there, but in not having the tools to navigate it.

Myth

"I have to control everything they do online."

Fact

Control without trust pushes teens to hide things. Support builds habits.

Myth

"If they're on their phone a lot, there's already a problem."

Fact

The amount of use alone isn't enough to say there's a difficulty. What matters is what it crowds out and how it leaves them.

Myth

"Teens today don't know how to live without their phones."

Fact

They do. They need help choosing when to disconnect.

Myth

"Technology always pulls them away from the family."

Fact

It can connect, entertain, organize and also serve as a refuge. You have to look at what purpose it serves.

How to say it

Instead of

"You're obsessed with that phone."

Try

"I notice you're spending a lot of time online. How are you feeling?"

Instead of

"In my day we didn't have this, and we were happier."

Try

"The online world is part of your life. I want to understand it better."

Instead of

"Who are you talking to?"

Try

"Will you tell me a little about what you do on there?"

Instead of

"Let me see everything you do on your phone."

Try

"I'd like to understand what part your phone plays in your day right now."

Try this as a family: the digital map (20 minutes)

  1. 1Everyone writes down their three favorite apps or digital activities. Adults too.
  2. 2For each one: how do I feel while I'm using it? And afterward?
  3. 3Share what you wrote down, without judging.
  4. 4Decide together which uses add something and which take something away.

Follow-up, week by week

Week

1

Suggested action

Observe without stepping in: when and how they use technology

Week

2

Suggested action

Make the digital map together

Week

3

Suggested action

Propose an agreement that applies to everyone at home

Week

4

Suggested action

Look at what changed and what is worth adjusting

A question to take with you

What place do screens have in your own day?

Signs to get help right away

It's best to talk to a professional right away if:

  • Nighttime use is costing them sleep on an ongoing basis.
  • They have cut themselves off from almost all their offline relationships.
  • There is aggression or a very intense outburst when you try to limit their use.
  • They stopped going to school, or dropped activities they once kept up.
  • There are signs that they saw something that disturbed them, that an adult is contacting them inappropriately, or that someone is pressuring them, threatening them or asking them for images.
  • They are betting money online or spending without being able to stop.

If someone is threatening them or asking them for images, don't delete the messages: save screenshots and get help. The fact that they told you is what matters most. Don't punish them for it.

You don't have to wait for the problem to get bigger to ask for help.

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