Taking care of themselves: health, privacy and who to ask when it's not you

There are families where this topic can be talked about and families where, because of history, beliefs or modesty, it can't. In both, your teen needs the same thing: accurate information and an adult to turn to. If that can't be you, you can make sure that person exists.

What they need to know

• How their body works and what changes are expected.
• How pregnancy is prevented, and that it's the responsibility of both people.
• How sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are prevented, and that a condom is still needed even when another birth control method is used.
• What to do if protection failed: there are options, and they depend on getting care quickly.
• That there are vaccines that prevent some infections, and that a doctor can recommend them.
• That in many places they can see a health professional on their own. Ask at your doctor's office or clinic.

A doctor's visit of their own

A checkup with a pediatrician, adolescent medicine doctor or family doctor is the natural place for these questions. It helps if part of the visit is alone with the doctor. That's not shutting you out: it's giving them a place to ask what they wouldn't ask you.

1. 1Schedule a checkup, without waiting for there to be a problem.
2. 2Let them know ahead of time that they can talk with the doctor alone, and that what they say stays there, unless there is a risk.
3. 3Step out of the room when the doctor suggests it, or suggest it yourself.
4. 4Don't ask afterward what they talked about.

Privacy is not secrecy

Privacy is what your teen chooses not to share: their body, their conversations, what they feel. They need it in order to grow. A worrying secret is something else: something that scares them, harms them or that someone asked them to keep quiet.

Going through their phone or their things behind their back breaks trust and rarely gets you what you're looking for. If there is a serious concern, say it directly: "This worries me, and I need us to talk about it."

If they tell you someone touched, pressured or forced them

1. 1Believe them. Tell them it's not their fault and that they did the right thing by telling you.
2. 2Listen to whatever they want to tell you. Don't interrogate them or ask for details.
3. 3Don't promise to keep it a secret. Tell them you're going to get help to keep them safe.
4. 4Make sure they are never left alone with that person again.
5. 5Don't confront the other person yourself.
6. 6Contact a specialized service. If it happened in the last few days, go to an emergency room: some medical care is time-sensitive.

If it can't be talked about at home

1. 1Say just one sentence, whichever one you can manage: "It's hard for me to talk about this, but I want you to have someone you can ask."
2. 2Think of another trusted adult: someone in the family or a close friend.
3. 3Make sure the doctor's visit happens.
4. 4Get reliable information to them: materials from public health sources or from school.
5. 5Tell them the one thing that can't be left out: "If something happens to you, or someone does something to you that you don't want, you can tell me. I won't be mad at you."

If there is a pregnancy, or a scare

The first thing they hear from you decides a lot. Before giving your opinion: "Thank you for telling me. We're going to look at this together." Then, a doctor's visit as soon as possible, to find out what the situation is and what the options are. Blame and decisions don't belong in the first conversation. If your teen is very young, if the other person is quite a bit older or if the sex was not wanted, say so at the visit: a different kind of help is needed.

For sexual orientation and gender identity, see the Identity topic.