Crisis help

Between monitoring and letting go: looking at where I stand

Fear of a world we don't know often turns into control. A resource for looking at where you're coming from when you support your teen.

2 min read

A teen's digital world can feel like unknown, threatening territory. That creates anxiety, anxiety turns into control, control creates conflict and conflict creates distance. It's a hard cycle to break.

Myths and facts

Myth

"If I don't control things, I'm leaving everything to chance."

Fact

Supporting your teen isn't only about control. It's also about better understanding what's going on.

Myth

"If they don't tell me what they do on social media, they're hiding something."

Fact

Not knowing everything doesn't mean something serious is being hidden.

Myth

"If I control more, things will get better."

Fact

More control doesn't always mean better-regulated use. Sometimes it means more hiding.

Myth

"There are only two options: ban it or let go."

Fact

Between banning and letting go, there are many ways to support your teen.

Myth

"My anger is the best way to keep this in check."

Fact

Anger can stop something in the moment, but it doesn't build better habits.

How to say it

Instead of

"That didn't happen in my day."

Try

"I know this world takes up a lot of space these days, and I want to understand it better."

Instead of

"Hand over your password and we're done."

Try

"I'd rather we work out guidelines and agreements together than start checking up on you."

Instead of

"The whole problem is the phone."

Try

"I want to see whether what's behind the screen time is tiredness, boredom, distress or habit."

Instead of

"You have no self-control."

Try

"I feel like this is getting the better of us, and we need a different way to approach it."

Try this on your own: looking at my first reaction

  1. 1Think about what comes up first when you see them on a screen for a long time: fear, anger, exasperation or judgment.
  2. 2Write down the first interpretation that comes to mind.
  3. 3Ask yourself whether you're looking only at the amount, or also at what they use it for and how it leaves them.
  4. 4Think of a more open question for next time.

Try this on your own: getting out of the same old fight

  1. 1Pick a daily situation that always ends the same way.
  2. 2Write down which phrase of yours sets it off most.
  3. 3Swap it for one that is shorter and less accusing.
  4. 4Try the change for a few days.

What helps most isn't becoming an expert in social media. It's keeping the relationship open enough that, if something hard happens there, your teen knows they can tell you.

A question to take with you

What scares you most about that world you don't know?

To go deeper

Raíces is a space for looking at how boredom, being alone and the urge to be somewhere else were handled in the home where you grew up.

Do this reflection in Raíces

Signs to get help right away

It's best to talk to a professional right away if:

  • Nighttime use is costing them sleep on an ongoing basis.
  • They have cut themselves off from almost all their offline relationships.
  • There is aggression or a very intense outburst when you try to limit their use.
  • They stopped going to school, or dropped activities they once kept up.
  • There are signs that they saw something that disturbed them, that an adult is contacting them inappropriately, or that someone is pressuring them, threatening them or asking them for images.
  • They are betting money online or spending without being able to stop.

If someone is threatening them or asking them for images, don't delete the messages: save screenshots and get help. The fact that they told you is what matters most. Don't punish them for it.

You don't have to wait for the problem to get bigger to ask for help.

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