Talking about the loss and making a place for memories
Naming what was lost, remembering without everything hurting, and why you don't get over a loss: you integrate it.
2 min read
What helps most
- 1Naming the loss, instead of avoiding it.
- 2Making room for all the emotions: including anger, guilt or relief.
- 3Not giving answers when there aren't any.
- 4Being present without having to fill the silence.
- 5Letting your teen set the pace, without rushing them or holding them back.
To get started
"Do you want to tell me how you're doing with all of this?"
How to say it
Instead of
"Don't look at those photos."
Try
"If looking back at memories helps you, we can do it together, or you can do it your own way."
Instead of
"I don't want you to get upset."
Try
"If you get sad, we can carry it together."
Instead of
"I don't know what to say, so I'd better not say anything."
Try
"I don't have all the words, but I want to be with you."
Try this: a gesture of remembrance
- 1Together, choose an object, a photo, a song or a word that has to do with what you lost.
- 2Ask if they want to share something or would rather do it on their own.
- 3Don't force them to take part.
- 4Give it a simple closing together: a sentence, a letter, a drawing.
Try this: a place for memories
- 1Suggest keeping mementos in a box, a folder or a special place.
- 2Let them choose what to keep.
- 3Don't force them to look at or keep anything.
- 4Accept that they may change their mind over time.
You don't get over a loss: you integrate it
Integrating means that the loss finds a place. It doesn't disappear, but it stops taking up everything. It can be remembered without the pain being unbearable, and life goes on with that absence inside it. That takes time and company.
A question to take with you
At home, do you say the name of the person who is no longer here?