When agreements get broken: how to come back to them without losing your cool
The question isn't whether agreements will get broken, but when. What to do so the situation doesn't escalate.
2 min read
Why conflict escalates
When a limit isn't kept, the first thing that shows up is usually frustration or anger. From there, the usual response is scolding, threats or silence. None of the three opens anything up. What tends to help is having a clear way to come back to it, without dramatizing or minimizing.
Four steps for coming back to it
- 1Wait for the right moment. Don't come back to it in the heat of the moment: wait until you're both calmer, even if it's only a few hours.
- 2Name what happened without accusing. "This was the agreement and it wasn't kept. I want to understand what happened."
- 3Listen before drawing conclusions. Let them explain, without interrupting or assuming you know the answer.
- 4Reaffirm the agreement or go over it together. If it was reasonable, reaffirm it clearly. If it needs adjusting, rework it together.
How to say it
Instead of
"This can't go on like this."
Try
"We need to talk about what happened."
Instead of
"It's always the same thing. You never change."
Try
"This has happened before. I want to understand why."
Instead of
"You're grounded until I say so."
Try
"There's going to be a consequence. Let me explain it."
Instead of
"I don't believe a word you say."
Try
"It's hard to trust you when this happens. How do we get that back?"
Myths and facts
Myth
"If I give in, I lose authority."
Fact
You don't lose authority by listening. You lose it by being inconsistent or by reacting with violence.
Myth
"The consequence has to hurt for them to learn."
Fact
The consequences that work are the ones that make sense and relate to what happened, not the ones that humiliate.
Myth
"It's too late to change the dynamic."
Fact
Changes in the family dynamic can start at any time.
Myth
"I have to correct everything for this to work."
Fact
Correcting everything creates more disorder. Choosing one or two priorities brings order.
Try this as a family: the agreement review (15 minutes, once a month)
- 1Together, go over the agreements you have.
- 2Each person says which one was hardest for them to keep this month and why.
- 3If an agreement didn't work, rework it together.
- 4End with something positive: what worked well this month.
A question to take with you
When an agreement gets broken, what hurts more: what they did, or what you feel it says about the two of you?