Looking at my own role as the adult
Part of the wear and tear around limits has to do with the adult's exhaustion and automatic reactions. Looking at that is not blaming yourself.
2 min read
Looking at your own role isn't about blaming yourself: it's about no longer repeating responses that don't work.
Myths and facts
Myth
"If I look at myself, I'm taking responsibility away from my teen."
Fact
Looking at yourself doesn't remove the other person's responsibility: it improves how you step in.
Myth
"The problem is only their behavior."
Fact
Their behavior matters, but so does how you come into the situation.
Myth
"If I change, I'll be less firm."
Fact
Changing the way you step in can give the limit more strength.
Myth
"Showing that I'm tired makes me weaker."
Fact
Acknowledging your exhaustion helps keep you from reacting when you're overwhelmed.
Myth
"If I ease up, I lose everything."
Fact
Turning down the intensity isn't losing authority: it can mean getting your sense of direction back.
How to say it
Instead of
"I don't know what to do with you anymore."
Try
"This is hard on both of us and I want to find a clearer way to handle it."
Instead of
"You make me get like this."
Try
"I need to do this differently so it doesn't keep going the same way."
Instead of
"You're never going to change."
Try
"This keeps happening and we need to get out of the same fight."
Instead of
"I can't take it anymore."
Try
"This is wearing me out and I need us to sort it out more clearly."
Instead of
"You're going to drive me crazy."
Try
"This is too much for everyone now and we need another way."
Try this on your own: finding my breaking point
- 1Pick a situation around a limit that keeps coming up.
- 2Note the moment when you start to react badly.
- 3Notice what shows up first: exhaustion, anger, helplessness or guilt.
- 4Think of a shorter way to step in before you reach that point.
Try this on your own: deciding when not to keep going
- 1Think about which signs show that the argument can't go on at that moment.
- 2Choose a short phrase to end it.
- 3Commit to not trying to resolve things in the heat of the moment.
- 4Come back to it only when things are calm enough.
What to watch for
- Whether you feel less worn down.
- Whether the way you step in becomes clearer and less reactive.
- Whether the limit depends less on your mood in the moment.
A question to take with you
Who do you hear yourself sounding like when you set a limit?
To go deeper
Raíces is a space for looking at your own history with limits, back when you were the child.