Crisis help

Where to start talking: subjects and moments

Forcing a conversation about "important" subjects usually shuts it down. The ones that matter start with the everyday.

2 min read

With a teen, the most meaningful conversations usually start from the everyday, from what seems trivial, from what you share.

Why some moments open things up more

  • Many teens talk more easily when you don't have to look at each other face to face: on the way somewhere, on a walk, cooking together. Doing something side by side eases the feeling of being evaluated.
  • They need more time to put what they feel into words. A question may get its answer hours later.
  • Sometimes they say something very important in passing, in the middle of another conversation. It's not by chance: they're testing how you react before telling you more. If the reaction is alarm or judgment, the conversation shuts down. If it's calm and interest, it can continue.

On the way somewhere or on a walk

  • What music have you been listening to lately? Can you show me something?
  • Is there a show or movie you've really liked?
  • If you could change something about your week, what would it be?

Over a meal together

  • What was the best and the worst part of today?
  • Is there anything you're worried about, or looking forward to?
  • How are your friends doing?

In a quiet, unhurried moment

  • Is there something you want to do or learn that you haven't been able to yet?
  • How do you picture yourself five years from now?
  • Is there anything you feel you can't talk about with anyone?

After a conflict

  • I didn't like how we left things. Can we come back to it more calmly?
  • I want to understand how it was for you. Will you tell me?
Myths and facts

Myth

"If we don't talk about important things, there's no point."

Fact

Everyday conversations build the trust that later makes it possible to talk about what matters.

Myth

"I have to prepare what I'm going to say."

Fact

Being spontaneous usually goes better. Teens can tell when something is rehearsed.

Myth

"If they don't answer, it means they don't want to talk."

Fact

Sometimes they need time.

For this week

Pick one of the moments and try one of the questions. Don't expect it to turn into a deep conversation. Just open the door.

A question to take with you

How did you react the last time they told you something you didn't expect?

Signs to get help right away

It's best to talk to a professional right away if:

  • There are frequent insults, humiliation or threats, from either side.
  • Any attempt to talk ends in an intense escalation.
  • The silence is now total, or the only talking that happens is fighting.
  • The distance is affecting sleep, school or life at home for the whole household.
  • You feel you can't handle this on your own anymore.

If, on top of talking less, your teen seems sad, low on energy or cut off from everything, see also the Mood and emotions topic.

You don't have to wait for a bigger rift to ask for help.

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