First relationships, and first heartbreaks
What first relationships mean, what role you can have and how to support your teen through a breakup.
2 min read
First relationships often look like no big deal from the outside: they last a few weeks, start over text, change fast. To your teen, they are a big deal. This is where they're trying out what it's like to love, to feel loved, to trust, to be jealous, to fight and to break up.
Your role
- Take it seriously. Teasing and cutesy names close the door.
- Take an interest in the person, not just in what they do together.
- Open your home: getting to know their partner is the best information you're going to have.
- Keep the usual rules (curfews, check-ins) without turning them into a punishment for being in a relationship.
- Respect what they don't share. A couple's privacy is privacy too.
House rules
Every family decides its own: doors, sleepovers, curfews. There's no single answer. It helps if they're clear, if they're explained and if they're the same for all your kids, no matter their gender or who they like.
What a relationship that's good for them looks like
- They keep seeing their friends and doing their own things.
- They can say no and disagree.
- For the most part, they seem happy.
- They're not afraid of how their partner will react.
- They don't have to prove where they are or who they're with.
If there's a big age difference
A few years count for a lot at this age: in experience, in independence and in power. If their partner is quite a bit older, forbidding it isn't enough. You need to look closely, get to know that person and talk about who makes the decisions in that relationship. If the partner is an adult, it is not a relationship between equals, and depending on the ages and where you live it may be a crime. Don't wait: get specialized and legal guidance.
The first heartbreak
A teen breakup can hurt as much as an adult one, with fewer resources for getting through it. Sometimes it comes with exposure: the whole school knows, or photos and messages are left floating around.
- Don't minimize it: "You'll meet someone else" is no comfort.
- Don't badmouth the person who broke up with them.
- Be there without asking for explanations: food, your presence, something to do together.
- Pay attention to screens: constantly checking the other person's profile prolongs the pain.
How to say it
Instead of
"That's just how it is at your age. You'll be over it tomorrow."
Try
"I can see this really hurts. I'm here."
Instead of
"I told you they weren't right for you."
Try
"I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it, or would you rather we do something else?"
Instead of
"So who is it? What family are they from? What do their parents do?"
Try
"Tell me what they're like. What do you like about being with them?"
A question to take with you
What did you learn about love in your first relationships, and what would you like your teen to learn differently?