How to tell them, and how to keep talking
What to say once the decision is made, what to leave out and how to keep the conversation going in the months that follow.
3 min read
Before you tell them
- Make sure the decision has been made. If you're still thinking it over, there's no need to announce anything. What you do need is to not deny what they already notice: "We're going through a hard time and we're talking about it."
- If possible, tell them together. If not, make sure what each of you says doesn't contradict the other.
- Have some answers ready about practical things: where they'll live, which days, what happens with school.
- Pick an unhurried moment, away from an exam or an important date.
What they need to hear
- 1That this is the adults' decision, and that it has been made.
- 2That it's not their fault, and that it doesn't depend on anything they do.
- 3That what's ending is the couple, not the place they have with each of you.
- 4What changes and what doesn't change in their day-to-day life.
- 5That they can ask questions now or later, as many times as they want.
"We've decided to separate. It's our decision, an adult decision, and it has nothing to do with anything you did. We're both going to keep taking care of you. We'll tell you what's changing and what's staying the same."
If you tell them on your own, speak for yourself: "I'm going to keep taking care of you."
What's best left out
- The couple's private reasons, and who was to blame.
- Affairs, money, lawyers.
- Promises you don't know if you'll be able to keep: "Nothing is going to change."
- Asking for their opinion on the decision. On the days and the schedule, yes. On the separation, no.
Teens often ask why. You don't have to lie or tell them everything: "Some things are between the two of us. What I can tell you is that we thought about it a lot and that it's not because of you."
How to say it
Instead of
"Ask your dad why he left."
Try
"That's between your dad and me. Whatever affects you, we'll tell you."
Instead of
"It's fine, everything's going to stay the same."
Try
"Some things are going to change. We'll tell you about them before they happen."
Instead of
"Who do you want to live with?"
Try
"We want to know what works best for you with the days. The decision is ours to make."
Instead of
"Don't cry, it's what's best for everyone."
Try
"I understand that it hurts. You don't have to see it as what's best."
Instead of
"I already explained that to you."
Try
"Ask me as many times as you need."
Afterward: keep talking
The first conversation is almost never enough. Many teens don't react in the moment, and the questions come up weeks later, indirectly: on the way somewhere, at night, by text.
- Come back to it now and then, in a few words ("How's it going with the two homes?").
- Let them know about changes before they happen: a move, different days, a partner.
- Accept that they may not want to talk with you. They can talk about it with another family member or with a friend.
- Tell the school only what's necessary, and tell your teen beforehand what you're going to share.
A question to take with you
When you were a child, what were you told about what was going on between the adults in your home?