Supporting your teen through a loss without rushing the process
Grief doesn't always look like crying. What helps, what pushes them away, and why there is no right way to go through it.
2 min read
Grief is the response to a loss that matters. In the teen years it can be more intense, more uneven and harder to put into words. Sometimes it shows up in ways that don't look like grief: irritability, withdrawal, changes at school, or seeming to be fine.
Losses in the teen years
- The death of someone they love: a grandparent, a parent, a friend, a pet.
- Their parents' separation.
- A migration: losing their country, their relationships, the language of everyday life.
- The end of a friendship or an important relationship.
- Their own illness, or the illness of someone close.
- Changing schools or moving.
Myths and facts
Myth
"If they're not crying, it didn't affect them."
Fact
Grief can be expressed in many ways, including silence.
Myth
"Talking about the loss will make them feel worse."
Fact
Avoiding the subject doesn't protect them: it isolates them. Talking with care eases the loneliness.
Myth
"Teens get distracted and get over it quickly."
Fact
Distraction helps at times. It doesn't replace the process.
Myth
"You have to look strong and not cry in front of them."
Fact
Seeing adults who can be sad gives them permission to be sad too.
Myth
"They'll get over it with time."
Fact
Time helps when there is company.
How to say it
Instead of
"Stop crying."
Try
"You can cry, get angry or not feel like talking. I'm here."
Instead of
"It's over now."
Try
"Even though some time has passed, it can still hurt."
Instead of
"You have to be strong."
Try
"You don't have to handle everything."
Instead of
"Let's not talk about it, so we don't get upset."
Try
"We can talk if you want, and we can also just be quiet together."
Instead of
"Stop thinking about it."
Try
"If the memory comes up, we can make room for it."
Phrases that push them away
- "It's done, we have to move on."
- "Other people have it worse."
- "They're in a better place."
- "I suffered too, and I got through it."
Try this: giving permission
- 1Tell them, in words, that there is no single way to grieve.
- 2Tell them there may be good days and hard days.
- 3Ask what they need when they are sad, irritable or distant.
- 4Agree on a signal they can use to ask for company.
A question to take with you
What ways of being sad are allowed in your home?