Between fear and denial: taking a look at where I stand
With this topic, we adults tend to swing from denial, so we won't feel anxious, to policing, so we feel in control.
2 min read
Both positions make it hard to support your teen. Recognizing the fear, without letting it run everything, lets you look, ask, set limits and ask for help without turning your teen into the enemy.
Myths and facts
Myth
"If I don't come down hard on them, they won't take me seriously."
Fact
Being firm doesn't require aggression.
Myth
"If I name it, it becomes real."
Fact
Naming a worry can keep it from growing in silence.
Myth
"If I'm afraid, I have to act right now, and harshly."
Fact
Fear needs a pause before it can turn into a response that helps.
Myth
"If they get angry, it means I'm doing something wrong."
Fact
Their getting angry doesn't mean the limit is the wrong one.
Myth
"If we're close, I don't need to set limits."
Fact
Closeness and limits aren't opposites. They need each other.
How to say it
Instead of
"You're destroying my life."
Try
"This worries me a lot, but I want to be able to talk about it without putting it all on you."
Instead of
"I'm going to follow you around until I know everything."
Try
"I'm going to be paying closer attention because I'm worried about your safety, and I want us to talk about it directly."
Instead of
"I don't want to hear excuses."
Try
"I want to hear what you have to say, even if we need to set limits afterward."
Instead of
"I'm ashamed of you."
Try
"None of this changes that you matter to me. That's exactly why I don't want to look the other way."
Try this on your own: a pause before you talk
- 1Before you talk, decide what you want to accomplish: to protect your teen, to understand, to set a limit or to ask for help.
- 2Avoid talking in the middle of a fight.
- 3Write down three specific facts that worry you.
- 4Choose a short opening line that doesn't accuse.
- 5Decide on a limit you can stick to, not a threat made in the heat of the moment.
Try this on your own: the role of control
- 1Ask yourself which controls are needed for safety.
- 2Ask yourself which ones come only from your fear.
- 3Know the difference between supervising and policing.
- 4Talk with another trusted adult before taking tougher measures.
What to watch for
- Whether you can talk without yelling, humiliating each other or refusing to listen.
- Whether the steps you've taken protect your teen, or only punish.
- Whether the adults at home agree or contradict each other.
A question to take with you
When you check, ask or monitor, what are you after: protecting your teen or calming yourself?