When signs appear: taking a closer look without accusing
How to sort out what you saw, separate facts from fears and open the conversation.
2 min read
There may be changes in behavior, explanations that aren't very clear, more isolation, new groups of friends, irritability or excessive secrecy. The goal isn't to accuse. It's to sort out the signs, open the conversation and see whether more support is needed.
Myths and facts
Myth
"If I ask, they'll deny everything, so there's no point."
Fact
Asking in the right way can open a door, even if the answer doesn't come right away.
Myth
"If there are changes, they must be using."
Fact
Changes can have many causes. That's why it helps to look at the whole picture.
Myth
"If I don't have proof, I can't say anything."
Fact
You don't need proof to say you're worried.
Myth
"It's better to wait for it to pass."
Fact
Waiting too long can let the situation take hold.
Myth
"If they used once, it's already an addiction."
Fact
One episode doesn't define everything. It does deserve a serious conversation.
Try this: sort out the signs
- 1Write down the specific changes you've noticed over the last few weeks.
- 2Separate facts from interpretations.
- 3Check whether there are changes in sleep, mood, school, money, friends or routines.
- 4Ask yourself whether these could be signs of substance use or of a more general distress. The two can go together.
Try this: the conversation, in two parts
- 1First part: say what worries you and listen, without demanding a confession.
- 2Second part: come back to the topic another day. Don't try to settle it in one sitting.
- 3In the meantime, state a few specific limits.
- 4Offer to help them think through what's going on.
One way to say it
"I've noticed some changes in you lately, and I want to ask you straight out, without accusing you: is something going on with alcohol or any other substance?"
Direct, but without alarm. And no lecture after the question: listen first. If they deny it and you're still worried: "I hear you. And I want you to know that if at any point there is something, you can tell me." If they confirm it: "Thank you for telling me. I need to understand more. Will you tell me about it?"
How to say it
Instead of
"I know you're using."
Try
"I'm noticing some changes and I'm worried about how you're doing. I need us to be able to talk."
Instead of
"Don't treat me like I'm stupid."
Try
"Some things aren't adding up for me, but I don't want to start by accusing you. I want to understand what's going on."
Instead of
"Tell me the truth right now or you lose everything."
Try
"I don't need you to figure everything out right this minute. I do need us to talk about it."
Instead of
"Your friends are the problem."
Try
"I'm worried about how some of the places you spend time in can influence your decisions. I want to think it through with you."
Your reaction in the first few seconds decides whether the conversation opens up or shuts down. Taking a breath before you answer can change a lot.
A question to take with you
Deep down, would you rather know or not know?