Caught in the middle: how it happens and the way out
The roles a child ends up filling between two adults in conflict, and how to get them out of there.
3 min read
Almost no one puts their teen in the middle on purpose. It happens little by little: a message that's easier to send through them, a comment that slips out, a question about the other home. Each one seems small. Together, they give your teen a job that isn't theirs.
The roles they can end up in
Role
Messenger
What it looks like
They carry messages back and forth: "Tell your dad he still hasn't paid me," "Let your mom know I can't do Saturday."
Role
Informant
What it looks like
They get asked what goes on in the other home, who the other parent is seeing, what that parent spends money on.
Role
Confidant
What it looks like
They listen to one adult's sorrows, anger or details about the separation.
Role
Judge
What it looks like
They get asked to say who's right, or they're consulted in every disagreement.
Role
Ally
What it looks like
They feel that to be on good terms with one, they have to be against the other.
Role
Caregiver
What it looks like
They look after an adult who was left struggling, or their siblings, more than they should have to.
Why it weighs so much
Your teen sees themselves in both of you. When they hear someone speak badly of one of you, part of them takes it as something said about them. And when they have to choose, they always lose: no matter who wins, they let down someone they love.
Some teens take on these roles willingly. Being an adult's confidant can make them feel important and mature. The fact that they don't complain doesn't mean it isn't weighing on them.
How to get them out of it
- 1Messages go from adult to adult, by whatever channel brings the least fighting: a text, an email, a shared calendar.
- 2Whatever you want to know about the other home, ask the other parent. And if you can't ask them, live with not knowing, unless you're worried about your teen's safety.
- 3To talk about what hurts, find another adult: a friend, a relative, a professional.
- 4If they tell you something about the other home, listen without using it later in an argument. If what they tell you points to abuse or risk, that's different: get help.
- 5Tell them out loud that they don't have to choose.
"You don't have to take my side. You can love us both. What happens between us is ours to work out."
How to say it
Instead of
"Ask your mom when she plans to pay."
Try
"I'll take care of that. I'll talk to her about it."
Instead of
"And who else was at your dad's house?"
Try
"How was your time there?"
Instead of
"Your dad always does this."
Try
"The change of plans bothered me. I'm going to talk to him about it."
Instead of
"You're all I have left."
Try
"I'm going through a hard time and I have people to talk to about it. You don't have to take care of me."
Instead of
"Do you think what your mom did was okay?"
Try
"I don't need you to weigh in on this. It's between your mom and me."
If the other parent is the one putting them in the middle
You can't control what happens in the other home. What you can do is not respond in kind. If your teen brings you a message or a comment, don't answer through the same channel: "Thanks for letting me know. I'll take care of that myself." With just one adult who doesn't use them, they already have a place to rest from the conflict.
What to watch for
- Whether they change the subject or tense up when you mention the other parent.
- Whether they tell you things about the other home that you didn't ask about, as if they were reporting in.
- Whether they avoid telling you they had a good time there.
- Whether they're more focused on how you're doing than on their own life.
A question to take with you
What does your teen know about your separation that you wish they didn't?