Crisis help

The separation is happening to you too: looking at my own part

Your grief, your anger and your exhaustion count too. Taking care of them, without leaning on your teen, is part of supporting them.

2 min read

While you're supporting your teen, you're also going through a loss: of a partner, of a future you had planned, sometimes of a home, of money or of part of the family. It's a lot. And it's hard to be available for someone else when you're having a hard time too.

What often happens

  • Looking to your teen for the companionship your partner used to provide.
  • Loosening limits out of guilt, or tightening them out of fear of losing control.
  • Competing with the other parent to be the favorite: more leeway, more gifts.
  • Reading everything your teen does as if it were for you or against you.
  • Not being able to hear that they miss the other parent.

None of this makes you a bad parent. These are the ways an adult's pain slips into a child's place.

Two different jobs

No longer being a couple and continuing to parent are two jobs that move at different speeds. The first includes anger, sadness and, often, the wish to never see the other person again. The second asks you to deal with that same person for years. It helps to think of it as a working relationship: brief, clear and about one subject only.

Try this on your own

  1. 1Choose two adults you can talk to about the separation with no filter. Make sure neither one is your teen.
  2. 2Before you write to the other parent, ask yourself whether the message is about your teen, or about the couple you used to be.
  3. 3Figure out your most fragile time of the day or the week, and try not to have the hard conversations then.
  4. 4When your teen comes back from the other home, give yourself some time before you ask anything.
  5. 5If the sadness, anger or trouble sleeping doesn't ease as the weeks go by, get professional help for yourself.

What it's okay for your teen to see

You don't have to hide that you're sad. Seeing an adult who is having a hard time and is dealing with it teaches them more than seeing one who pretends. The difference is in who takes care of whom.

"I'm sad about all of this, and that's to be expected. I'm dealing with it and I have people to talk to. You don't have to take care of me."

What to watch for in yourself

  • Whether you talk about the separation with your teen more than with other adults.
  • Whether it's hard for you when they have a good time at the other home.
  • Whether what you allow and your limits have changed out of guilt or competition.
  • Whether you're able to sleep, eat and get through your day.

A question to take with you

Is there some part of this pain that your teen is carrying with you?

To go deeper

Raíces is a space for looking at the place that separations, absences and silences have had in your own story.

Do this reflection in Raíces

Signs to get help right away

It's best to talk to a professional right away if:

  • They tell you, or hint, that they aren't safe in one of the homes: there is violence, abuse or neglect.
  • They keep refusing to go with one parent. Before forcing them or looking for someone to blame, you need to listen to what is going on for them there.
  • They have ended up in charge of an adult who is not doing well, or of their siblings, on a permanent basis.
  • Since the separation they have stopped sleeping, eating or going to school, or they have withdrawn, and it isn't easing as the weeks go by.
  • The conflict between the adults includes yelling, threats or violence in front of your teen.
  • They talk about hurting themselves or about not wanting to live.

If there is violence or risk to you or your teen, also seek legal advice and a specialized service. Safety comes before any agreement.

If there is immediate risk, call your local emergency number.

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