Your own grief: supporting your teen when you are hurting too
Supporting your teen's grief stirs up pain of your own. You don't have to be okay to be there for them.
2 min read
Sometimes an adult avoids talking because they are hurting too, or tries to close the subject quickly so as not to feel helpless. Supporting your teen doesn't require having all the answers. It requires being able to be there, naming things with care and not leaving your teen alone with what no one knows how to say.
Myths and facts
Myth
"To support them, I have to be okay."
Fact
You can support them while you are sad, as long as you don't unload everything on your teen.
Myth
"If I show that I'm sad, I'll harm them."
Fact
Showing emotion with care makes the experience more human.
Myth
"If I ask, I'm pushing too much."
Fact
Asking with care is not intruding.
Myth
"If I leave them be, that's enough."
Fact
Giving space can't turn into leaving them alone with what they feel.
Myth
"They should look better by now."
Fact
Recovery is uneven. It doesn't go in a straight line.
How to say it
Instead of
"Don't ask me, it's too painful for me."
Try
"It's hard for me to talk about this, but we can do it little by little."
Instead of
"We have to carry on as usual."
Try
"We're going to keep going, and we can also acknowledge that something changed."
Instead of
"I don't want to see you sad."
Try
"It hurts me to see you sad, but I don't need you to hide what you feel."
Instead of
"We do everything for you and you're still the same."
Try
"Maybe what we're doing isn't enough. Let's look for another way to be there for you."
Instead of
"You have to do your part."
Try
"I know it's hard to get moving when it hurts. Let's go step by step."
Try this on your own: separating my pain from my role as the adult
- 1Acknowledge the part of this loss that is yours.
- 2Find a space with other adults where you can talk about your own pain.
- 3Make sure your teen doesn't end up in charge of holding you up.
- 4Before you speak, ask yourself: does what I'm about to say care for them, or burden them?
Try this on your own: not disappearing
- 1Decide on a short way to ask, without pressuring.
- 2Stay present even if they don't say much.
- 3Offer options: talking, walking, writing, being together in silence.
- 4Don't take the silence as a rejection of you.
What to watch for
- Whether remembering is allowed at home, or there is an effort to erase every trace of the loss.
- Whether the adults stopped asking, out of fear or exhaustion.
- Whether your teen is taking care of the adults so they won't get upset.
A question to take with you
Who is there for you in this loss?
To go deeper
Raíces is a space to look at how losses were experienced in your own history, and which ones were not talked about.