When their grief worries me: guilt, anger and when to get help
Signs that the grief needs more company, how to talk about guilt and when to bring in a professional.
2 min read
Signs that they need more support
- Their low mood doesn't improve after several weeks.
- They have pulled away from friends and from activities they used to enjoy.
- They talk about intense guilt: "it was because of me," "I should have done something."
- There are significant changes in their sleep or eating.
- Their grades have dropped a lot.
- They completely avoid talking about the loss, or can't talk about anything else.
Before you worry, three questions
- 1How much time has passed? The first months are the most intense.
- 2Do they have someone to talk to outside the home?
- 3Is something else weighing on them and making the grief bigger?
Myths and facts
Myth
"If they don't want to talk, you have to respect that forever."
Fact
Respecting their pace is not the same as dropping the subject.
Myth
"If they get angry, it's a bad attitude."
Fact
Anger can be a form of pain.
Myth
"Guilt goes away if we don't name it."
Fact
Guilt needs words, not silence.
Myth
"Better not to stir things up."
Fact
Grief that doesn't find a place doesn't disappear: it gets stored away, and shows up later in other ways.
Myth
"If they see a professional, it means they couldn't handle it."
Fact
Getting professional help can be a form of care, not proof of failure.
How to say it
Instead of
"You should be feeling better by now."
Try
"I see this still weighs heavily on you. I want to support you better."
Instead of
"Don't get angry about everything."
Try
"Sometimes pain comes out as anger. Even so, we need to find a way to talk without hurting each other."
Instead of
"It wasn't your fault, period."
Try
"I know you may be feeling guilty. We can talk about that, gently."
Instead of
"If you don't want to talk, I won't ask anymore."
Try
"I'm going to respect your pace, but I don't want to leave you alone with this."
Try this: talking about guilt
- 1Choose a calm moment.
- 2Open with a careful phrase: "Sometimes, after a loss, feelings of guilt come up."
- 3Don't correct them right away with reasons.
- 4Listen to what they blame themselves for.
- 5If the guilt is intense or doesn't ease, offer them the chance to talk to a professional.
When to get help
- When the grief has gone several months without showing any movement.
- When it seriously affects their daily life.
- When there is very intense guilt, or they express not wanting to be here.
- When you feel you can no longer support them on your own.
What kind of support can help
Type
Therapist with experience in grief
What it's for
To support the process
Type
Grief groups for teens
What it's for
To meet other teens who have been through something similar
Type
Family therapy
What it's for
When the whole family is grieving
Type
The doctor or pediatrician
What it's for
A first point of contact, who can refer you
A question to take with you
What guilt is floating around at home without anyone naming it?