What to do when something worries you, and when to get help
You don't need definite proof to act, and you don't need to act as if everything were lost.
2 min read
This is about being more present as adults, revisiting agreements, reducing risky situations and thinking about support if things don't improve. Taking care of your teen before substance use becomes their usual way out of distress.
Myths and facts
Myth
"Until I know for sure, I can't do anything."
Fact
A well-founded concern is already enough to act out of care.
Myth
"The only thing that works is not letting them go out at all."
Fact
Reducing risks usually works better than banning everything without a conversation.
Myth
"If they tell me something, I shouldn't set limits, so I don't lose their trust."
Fact
Listening doesn't mean giving up limits.
Myth
"One conversation should be enough."
Fact
It usually takes more than one, plus follow-up.
Try this: a care plan
- 1Decide which signs are worrying and which ones you'll keep watching.
- 2Agree on temporary changes to going out, curfew or supervision.
- 3Make room for one short conversation a week to see how things are going.
- 4Think of a trusted adult outside the home, in case your teen doesn't want to talk to you.
- 5Decide now when you'll get professional help if things don't improve.
Try this: reduce risky situations
- Identify the places where there is more pressure or more exposure.
- Think of concrete alternatives so they can get home safely.
- Don't leave them isolated as a punishment.
- Check whether there is alcohol, medication or other substances within their reach at home.
How to say it
Instead of
"You're not going out anymore, and that's that."
Try
"For now we're going to rethink some of your outings and our agreements, because I need to look out for your safety."
Instead of
"If you lie to me again, forget it."
Try
"Honesty matters. If something happened, I'd rather we work on it than keep hiding it."
Instead of
"All this takes is willpower."
Try
"If you're struggling with this, we can get help. You don't have to figure it out alone."
When to get help
- When substance use seems regular, not a one-time experiment.
- When it seems to serve a purpose: to escape, to not feel.
- When the topic is completely shut down at home.
- When there are signs of broader emotional distress.
Who can help
Type
Doctor or pediatrician
What it's for
A first point of contact, for a general evaluation
Type
School counselor
What it's for
A resource close at hand, if there are signs at school
Type
Therapist who works with teens
What it's for
To work on what keeps the substance use going
Type
Specialized substance use program
What it's for
When substance use is regular or there is a loss of control
A question to take with you
What place does alcohol have in your family's life?