Consent: what's learned at home
Being able to say no, and being able to hear a no. It's taught long before the first relationship, and through actions more than words.
2 min read
Consent is a free agreement between people who want the same thing and who are on equal footing. It sounds simple. What complicates it in the teen years is pressure, embarrassment, fear of looking bad or of losing the other person, and alcohol.
What your teen needs to be clear about
- A yes counts when it's freely given: no pushing, no threats, no guilt.
- Silence is not a yes. Neither is giving in because you're worn down.
- Anyone can change their mind at any time, even if they said yes before.
- Agreeing to one thing is not agreeing to everything.
- Someone who has had a lot to drink or used a lot of drugs, or who is asleep, can't consent.
- Being in a relationship doesn't obligate anyone to anything.
- With an adult, or with someone who has authority over your teen (a teacher, a coach), there is no such thing as valid consent.
- It applies to everyone: anyone can pressure someone, and anyone can be pressured.
- It applies on screens too: asking for, sending or forwarding a photo.
Two sides of the same conversation
We tend to teach teens to protect themselves from others. They also need to be taught to take care of others: to ask, to notice whether the other person is comfortable, to stop when the other person hesitates. Both go for all your kids, whatever their gender.
It's taught in everyday life
- Don't make them kiss or hug anyone hello if they don't want to.
- Knock before going into their room.
- When they say "stop" during a game or a joke, it stops.
- Ask their permission before posting a photo of them.
- Respect their "no" on small things, so they know their "no" counts.
What they can say
Situation
They don't want to
One way to say it
"I don't want to." No reasons needed.
Situation
They're not sure
One way to say it
"Not now. I'd rather wait."
Situation
They want to stop
One way to say it
"Let's stop here."
Situation
They want to know how the other person is doing
One way to say it
"Are you okay? Do you want to keep going?"
Situation
They're being pressured
One way to say it
"If you keep pushing, you're not listening to me."
How to say it
Instead of
"That's how boys are. You have to know how to stop them."
Try
"No one has the right to keep pushing you. It's on the person who's pushing to stop."
Instead of
"If you put yourself in that situation..."
Try
"What happened is not your fault. Thank you for telling me."
Instead of
"Don't overreact, it was a joke."
Try
"If the other person didn't laugh, it wasn't a joke."
To talk about together
- 1Use a scene from a show: "Do you think she wanted to? How can you tell?"
- 2Ask what they would do if a friend kept pushing someone who didn't want to.
- 3Tell them what you expect: that they show respect, and that they know they deserve respect.
A question to take with you
In your home, is your teen's "no" heard?