How to open conversations about how they feel
Sometimes the conversation shuts down before it starts, because of something said with the best of intentions.
2 min read
What shuts things down and what opens things up
Shuts down
"Don't be sad, you have everything."
Why
It tells them that what they feel doesn't count.
Opens up
"What you're feeling makes sense, even if I don't fully understand it."
Shuts down
"It's not that big a deal."
Why
It minimizes.
Opens up
"I can see something's weighing on you. I'm here."
Shuts down
"Calm down first, then we'll talk."
Why
It sets a condition for listening.
Opens up
"Do you want to talk, or would you rather I just stay close?"
Shuts down
"You always overreact."
Why
It labels.
Opens up
"I want to understand what this is like for you."
Shuts down
"I already know what's going on with you."
Why
It shuts things down before listening.
Opens up
"You don't have to explain it perfectly for me to be here for you."
Depending on what happens
- If they don't want to talk: don't push, leave the door open. "You don't have to tell me anything. Whenever you want, I'm here."
- If they talk but play it down: don't argue the point. "It's fine if it's not a big deal. Even so, I want you to know you can tell me if at some point it is."
- If they cry or get very upset: don't rush them or give advice. "I'm here. You don't have to do anything."
- If they say something that scares you: don't react with alarm, ask calmly. "Can you tell me a little more about what you said? I want to understand."
If what they said has to do with hurting themselves or not wanting to live, continue with "If they talk about hurting themselves."
For this week
Pick a short, calm moment. Ask how their day was on the inside, not just what they did. Listen without interpreting right away.
A question to take with you
What do you do with your own sadness when you're at home?