When the search comes with distress
Intense confusion, insecurity, isolation or fear of being seen. The job isn't to define who they are for them, but to look at how they are experiencing it.
2 min read
Sometimes the search comes with distress, insecurity, isolation, frequent conflicts, rejection of their body, a very strong need for approval, or fear of being seen. The family's job is not to decide for them who they are. It is to look closely at how they are experiencing that search, and whether they need more support.
Myths and facts
Myth
"If they're confused, we need to give them quick answers."
Fact
Quick answers can shut down a process that needs time.
Myth
"If they don't talk much, it means they don't want us getting involved."
Fact
Silence can be self-protection, shame, fear or not having the words.
Myth
"It's best not to bring it up."
Fact
The family's silence can add to the loneliness.
Myth
"Their friends support them better than we do."
Fact
Friends help, and they can also add pressure or comparison.
Myth
"Asking for help means it's serious."
Fact
Asking for guidance early can prevent more suffering.
How to say it
Instead of
"You have to know who you are."
Try
"You don't have to have it all figured out. What I do care about is how this is going for you."
Instead of
"Don't make it so complicated."
Try
"Growing up and finding yourself can be confusing. We can think it through together."
Instead of
"I don't want to talk about that."
Try
"It may be hard for me, but I don't want you going through this alone."
Instead of
"Don't cry over that."
Try
"I can see this hurts. I'm here."
Instead of
"That doesn't leave this house."
Try
"Your privacy matters. If we look for help, we'll do it carefully and respectfully."
Try this: opening the conversation with care
- 1Start with something specific you've noticed: "I've noticed you seem kind of down."
- 2Don't start by interpreting.
- 3Ask whether they'd rather talk with you or with someone else they trust.
- 4Acknowledge that it's hard, without being dramatic.
- 5If they can't today, come back to it another day.
Try this: a home where no one has to feel ashamed
- 1Avoid jokes about their body, their tastes, their clothes, their friends or the way they present themselves.
- 2Ask the other adults at home to watch how they talk.
- 3Step in if there is mocking among siblings or from other relatives.
- 4Recognize that shame can hurt a lot.
What to watch for
- How long the distress lasts and how intense it is.
- Whether there is intense rejection of their body, isolation, or giving up things they used to do.
- Whether conversations end in a fight or in a bit more openness.
A question to take with you
What would your teen have to hide in order to feel at ease at home?