Crisis help

Disagreeing while still supporting your teen

Not agreeing with something about who your teen is isn't the same as not accepting them. And when it's worth talking to a professional.

2 min read

The difference that matters most

There is a huge difference between not agreeing with something about your teen's identity and not accepting your teen. It's possible not to understand everything about who they are right now and still let them know that you love them and that they are safe with you. Supporting them doesn't mean approving of everything. It means not abandoning them.

Phrases for when you disagree

  • "I don't fully understand this, but I want to keep listening to you."
  • "We may not agree on everything. That doesn't change how I feel about you."
  • "I need time to think about this. Can we keep talking?"
  • "What matters most to me is that you're okay."
Myths and facts

Myth

"If I don't approve, I don't have to support them."

Fact

Supporting them doesn't mean approving of everything. It means not abandoning them.

Myth

"It's my responsibility to correct them."

Fact

Your responsibility is to support them. Trying to correct who they are doesn't help: it causes suffering.

Myth

"If I accept it, I'm encouraging it."

Fact

Acceptance doesn't create identity. It does protect their well-being.

Myth

"If I take them to a therapist, the therapist will talk them into something."

Fact

A good professional supports the process. They don't define it.

When to get help

  • When the process comes with intense, ongoing suffering.
  • When there are signs that they can't be who they are anywhere.
  • When the family conflict around this topic is very intense.
  • When you need a space to think through what you are going through.

What kind of support can help

Type

Therapist who works with teens

What it's for

A space of their own for your teen, one that supports them without rushing them or defining who they are for them

Type

Family therapist

What it's for

To work on what the family is going through around this topic

Type

A space for you

What it's for

To think through your own fears and expectations

Type

Family support groups

What it's for

So you don't go through it alone

A question to take with you

Can you stay close to your teen even when there is something about them you don't understand?

Signs to get help right away

It's best to talk to a professional right away if:

  • They hurt themselves on purpose, or talk about dying or not wanting to go on.
  • They intensely reject themselves or their body, or feel a shame that paralyzes them.
  • They have withdrawn from almost everything, or dropped activities they used to keep up.
  • They are facing bullying, discrimination or violence, at school or anywhere else.
  • At home there is humiliation, punishment or threats to kick them out for being the way they are.
  • They hide important parts of who they are out of fear of how people will react.

Also if the adults at home feel they can't support their teen without the conflict escalating.

If there is immediate risk, go to an emergency room or call your local emergency number.

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