When their identity stirs things up in the family: looking at my expectations
Sometimes what hurts isn't the change itself, but the gap between it and the picture the adults had.
2 min read
When a teen starts to set themselves apart, their family's expectations shift too. Supporting them calls for examining your own ideals, fears and wishes, so you don't experience their difference as a threat.
Myths and facts
Myth
"If they're setting themselves apart this much, it means they're rejecting the family."
Fact
Setting themselves apart isn't always rejection. Often it's part of growing up.
Myth
"Accepting their changes means losing authority."
Fact
Authority can be maintained without denying who they are.
Myth
"My discomfort means something is wrong."
Fact
Discomfort can be a signal to think, not to react.
Myth
"I have to understand everything before I can support them."
Fact
You can support them respectfully even if you don't understand everything yet.
Myth
"If I don't step in fast, they'll go too far."
Fact
Stepping in out of fear tends to shut the conversation down.
How to say it
Instead of
"I didn't raise you to be like this."
Try
"This may not be what I pictured, but I want to be able to listen to you."
Instead of
"You're defying me."
Try
"I need to figure out whether this is a way you're different, or whether there's something we need to sort out."
Instead of
"This is too much for me."
Try
"This is hard for me, but I want to find a way to support you better."
Instead of
"This is all other people's influence."
Try
"There may be influences, and I also want to hear what part of this feels like your own."
Instead of
"Tell me exactly what you are."
Try
"I don't need a fixed definition. What matters to me is knowing how you feel."
Try this on your own: separating my expectation from their process
- 1Write down what you expected or imagined for your teen.
- 2Identify which of today's changes worry you.
- 3Ask yourself whether that worry comes from a real risk or from the gap between this and what you imagined.
- 4Think of a way to get closer without imposing your expectation.
Try this on your own: looking at the fear
- 1Name the fear: that they'll be rejected, that they'll suffer, losing control, shame, not knowing.
- 2Separate the fear from what is actually happening.
- 3Talk it over with another adult you trust before reacting.
- 4Don't use fear as your main argument.
Try this on your own: looking at the urgency
- 1Identify what you want to resolve right away.
- 2Ask yourself whether that urgency helps your teen, or calms your own anxiety.
- 3Choose something smaller and doable.
- 4Accept that some conversations need time.
A question to take with you
What worries you: is it a risk to your teen, or is it the gap between this and what you had imagined?