When grief comes with risk, or with suffering that doesn't ease
The first thing is not leaving them alone. What to do today, how to build a network and how to take care of yourself.
2 min read
Grief that gets complicated is not a weakness or a failure. And when it comes with risk, it should not be carried alone. Asking for help is not failing: it is protecting.
What they need now
- 1A direct conversation: "I can see you're in a really bad place and I'm worried. I want to ask you directly: are you thinking about hurting yourself, or about not wanting to be here?"
- 2Professional support this week.
- 3A closer presence while that support is on its way. They should not be left alone with what they feel.
If your teen talks about hurting themselves or not wanting to live
Take it seriously, even if they say it in passing, as a joke or in a moment of anger.
Ask directly and calmly: "Are you thinking about hurting yourself?" Asking does not put the idea in their head. It may be what lets them ask for help.
Listen to the answer without scolding or arguing. "Thank you for telling me. You won't go through this alone."
If they say yes, or you can't tell: stay close and don't leave them alone. Put medications and anything they could use to hurt themselves out of reach. And get help today.
Where to get help today: a hospital emergency room, your local emergency number or a crisis line.
What to do: the next few hours
- 1Make sure an adult stays with them if there is risk.
- 2Avoid arguments, blame and demands for explanations.
- 3Call a professional, a crisis line or emergency services, depending on what is happening.
- 4Write down who is staying with them and what to do if the risk increases.
Try this: a network of adults
- 1Identify two trusted adults who can be there.
- 2Decide what they need to know.
- 3Don't share details that aren't needed.
- 4Go over who is there at the hardest moments.
Myths and facts
Myth
"It's to be expected that they'd say they don't want to live, because they're sad."
Fact
Every thought of death should be taken seriously.
Myth
"They need to be left alone to process it."
Fact
When there is risk, being alone increases the danger.
Myth
"If they calm down today, it's over."
Fact
A crisis easing doesn't take away the need to keep supporting them.
Myth
"The family should be able to handle this."
Fact
Some situations call for a network of professionals and people you trust.
Myth
"Now that they're in therapy, it gets solved there."
Fact
Therapy helps, and care continues at home.
How to say it
Instead of
"Don't say things like that."
Try
"It worries me to hear you talk like this. I'm not going to leave you alone with this."
Instead of
"You have to get over this."
Try
"You don't have to figure this out on your own. We're going to find support."
Instead of
"You're breaking my heart."
Try
"It hurts me to see you like this, but I'm not going to make my pain your burden."
Instead of
"Promise me you won't do it, and that's that."
Try
"Promises aren't enough when you could be at risk. I'm staying close and we're getting help."
Instead of
"When you want help, let me know."
Try
"We're going to get help now, because your safety matters."
Caring for the caregiver
- Acknowledge your exhaustion and your fear.
- Find a place of support for yourself.
- It shouldn't be just one person holding everything up.
- Ask for concrete help: rides, company, appointments, school.
One step for today
Say out loud, in front of your teen, the name of the person you lost. "I miss..." Just that. It can open up a lot.
A question to take with you
What place can this absence have in your family's life?