The hard dates and day-to-day life
Anniversaries, birthdays and holidays bring the loss back. How to plan ahead for them and how to keep up a routine without demanding that things go back to the way they were.
2 min read
Why dates hurt
Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays and dates you used to share can bring grief back with great force. It is not a sign that something is wrong. It is a sign that the bond mattered.
What helps on a hard date
- Naming it before it comes: "Next month is the anniversary. How do you want us to spend it?"
- Creating a gesture of your own, even a simple one.
- Not pretending it's a day like any other, if it isn't.
- Letting them say how they want to spend it.
What makes it harder
- Ignoring the date, hoping it will pass unnoticed.
- Telling them how they should feel that day.
- Filling the day with activities so they won't feel anything.
Routine as support
- 1Keep, when possible, the basic schedule for meals, sleep and school.
- 2Ease up on demands on the most intense days.
- 3Ask once a day how they are doing, without pressing.
- 4Offer a simple activity to do together.
How to say it
Instead of
"You have to get back to the way things were."
Try
"We're going to get some routines back little by little, without denying that this hurts."
Instead of
"Don't shut yourself away."
Try
"I'm going to respect your space, and I'll be close by in case you need anything."
Instead of
"I don't understand why you're like this today."
Try
"Maybe something got stirred up for you today. Do you want company, or would you rather have some time alone?"
Letting the school know, with care
- 1Ask your teen what they want the school to know.
- 2Share only what's necessary.
- 3Ask the school to be mindful of dates, grades and mood changes.
- 4Agree on one adult at school they can go to.
A question to take with you
Have you asked your teen how they want to spend that date?