The family table: eating together without policing

This applies when there are no warning signs. If they're eating less and less, or you've seen any of the signs listed at the end, don't wait: ask for the appointment.

Eating together regularly is one of the simplest forms of care a family has. Not because of what's eaten, but because of what happens around it: it's a time when your teen is in view without being watched, and when you can talk about anything.

What makes a meal a form of care

• It happens often, even if it's not every day and doesn't last long.
• No screens, for the adults too.
• The conversation is about something other than food, weight or school.
• Everyone serves themselves and decides how much to eat.
• It isn't the place for criticism.

A simple division of roles

Adults decide what is offered, when and where. Your teen decides how much of it to eat. Things with food go off track when adults take over your teen's part (insisting, counting bites, negotiating) or hand their own part over to your teen (everyone eating anything, at any time, alone).

If meals are already a fight

1. 1Take the argument away from the table. Whatever needs to be discussed can be discussed another time.
2. 2Stop commenting on their plate for two weeks, and see what changes.
3. 3Keep the schedule and the invitation: "We're eating at eight, we'll be waiting for you."
4. 4If they don't want to eat, have them sit with you for a while anyway.
5. 5If the fighting continues, or they're eating less and less, it's no longer a parenting issue: talk to a professional.

With teens

At this age they eat out more, at odd hours and with friends. It's part of growing up. You don't need to control every meal. It's enough to have a few shared meals during the week and food available at home.

Try this: a different kind of meal

1. 1Choose one meal of the week to cook together.
2. 2Let your teen choose what to make.
3. 3During that meal, no comments about how much anyone eats.