How to talk about the digital world without it ending in a fight

The phrases that shut things down most and the ones that open things up most when the topic is screens.

2 min read

Shuts down

Why

Shuts down

"You're hooked."

Why

It labels before asking.

Shuts down

"That's not real, those are people you don't even know."

Why

It devalues their relationships.

Shuts down

"If you don't put the phone down, I'm taking it away."

Why

It's a threat: it raises the tension and solves nothing.

Shuts down

"I don't understand what the point of that is."

Why

It signals a lack of interest.

Shuts down

"When I was young, we didn't need any of this."

Why

It compares without context.

What opens things up

"Will you show me what you do on there? I want to understand."
"What do you like most about that app or that game?"
"How do you feel when you can't use your phone for a while?"
"Have you seen anything online that got to you?"
"What phone rules at home would seem fair to you?"

For this week

Instead of asking them to put the phone down, ask what they're doing. No other agenda. Just curiosity.

A question to take with you

What do you know about what they like about that world?

Signs to get help right away

It's best to talk to a professional right away if:

Nighttime use is costing them sleep on an ongoing basis.

They have cut themselves off from almost all their offline relationships.

There is aggression or a very intense outburst when you try to limit their use.

They stopped going to school, or dropped activities they once kept up.

There are signs that they saw something that disturbed them, that an adult is contacting them inappropriately, or that someone is pressuring them, threatening them or asking them for images.

They are betting money online or spending without being able to stop.

If someone is threatening them or asking them for images, don't delete the messages: save screenshots and get help. The fact that they told you is what matters most. Don't punish them for it.

You don't have to wait for the problem to get bigger to ask for help.