When there are crises, shutdowns or a lot of suffering
For when your household is constantly putting out fires. Lowering the overload, looking after safety and building a network.
3 min read
The fact that your teen is suffering doesn't mean you have failed. Often the suffering shows up because the places where they live their life aren't designed for the way they function. It's a sign that more supports are needed, not that something is broken.
At this point, the first step is to stop reading what's happening as bad behavior. A crisis can be overwhelm, not manipulation.
First: lower the risk and the overload
- 1For a while, reduce the demands that are triggering the crises.
- 2Take care of the basics: rest, food, company and less stimulation, if that helps.
- 3Don't leave them alone if they are hurting themselves, if they are desperate, or if you don't know how they might react.
- 4During the crisis, avoid long arguments.
- 5Get professional help if there is risk.
If your teen talks about hurting themselves or not wanting to live
Take it seriously, even if they say it in passing, as a joke or in a moment of anger.
Ask directly and calmly: "Are you thinking about hurting yourself?" Asking does not put the idea in their head. It may be what lets them ask for help.
Listen to the answer without scolding or arguing. "Thank you for telling me. You won't go through this alone."
If they say yes, or you can't tell: stay close and don't leave them alone. Put medications and anything they could use to hurt themselves out of reach. And get help today.
Where to get help today: a hospital emergency room, your local emergency number or a crisis line.
A plan for crises
- 1Identify the signs that warn a strong overload is coming.
- 2Agree on what lowers the intensity: quiet, space, company, less stimulation.
- 3Decide what not to do: yell, crowd them, use sarcasm, threaten or ask for explanations in that moment.
- 4Know who to call, and keep the number handy.
- 5After each episode, review the plan.
Coming back little by little
- 1Identify what got interrupted: school, sleep, hygiene, relationships or daily tasks.
- 2Choose a first step that is very small and doable.
- 3Coordinate supports with the school or with a professional.
- 4Raise the demands little by little, if things are stable.
Going back to the same thing with nothing changed usually restarts the problem.
Myths and facts
Myth
"Tougher punishments will fix this."
Fact
Punishment can make crises worse when there is real overload.
Myth
"If we let them stop, they'll never go back."
Fact
Sometimes stopping for a moment makes it possible to reorganize supports. A planned break is also a form of care.
Myth
"They have to adapt, even if they suffer."
Fact
Adapting at the cost of extreme suffering is not a healthy goal.
Myth
"Asking for help means you've failed."
Fact
Asking for help can be a way of taking responsibility.
Myth
"Once the crisis passes, things can go back to how they were."
Fact
After a crisis, you need to look at what has to change.
How to say it
Instead of
"I can't take you anymore."
Try
"We're all overwhelmed, and we need help to handle this with more care."
Instead of
"You're going tomorrow no matter what, period."
Try
"We need to look at how you can go back to school without it hurting you this much."
Instead of
"Promise me it won't happen again."
Try
"More than a promise, we need a plan for when you start to get overloaded."
Instead of
"You're ruining our lives."
Try
"This affects all of us, and we need help to get through it better."
Taking care of the adults too
- Divide up the tasks among the adults who are available. It shouldn't be one person carrying everything.
- Set aside times to rest.
- Protect the agreements between you, so you don't give your teen mixed messages.
- Find a place where you can get support of your own.
Something for you
What most protects a teen who functions differently isn't having everything come easily. It's having at least one adult who sees them as a whole person, with what's hard for them and what they can do, and who doesn't give up. That adult can be you.
A question to take with you
Who helps you not live from one crisis to the next?